Dandelion I've had a lot of very expensive therapy to recover some of myself from the trauma of my own childhood. One of the things the therapist used to say to me is "it's never too late to have what you can have." I used to get intensely irritated by this but over time, I came to realise the truth of it.
The thing is though, sometimes we have to grieve our losses for a very very long time. I know I did. I had 8 years of weekly therapy - sometimes having it 3 times a week. And I was lucky that I was able to afford it and that I found a good therapist - I had several really shit experiences with therapists before I found someone who could help me.
The other thing to know is that I'm very sensitive and so it took me a long time to recover from what had happened to me as a child even though, from reading through the posts on this board, it wasn't as bad as what has happened to some people. People often say well so and so got off their arse and did stuff after having a crap childhood but every child is different. Every child has a different disposition and every child has different levels of resilience. I know, I was a sensitive kid, I didn't have much resilience and I was deeply impacted by the way I was parented. I didn't get the help I needed until my late thirties, early forties. By which time I felt I'd pretty well messed up a lot of my life. And I only finished therapy last year by which time I was 50.
Things are still a bit of a mess for me life wise with the menopausal thing and the breakdown thing (didn't foresee those!) - which is why I post on here! But, I do now have a sense of self worth and more inner strength. So what I wish for you are these things too. You're worth it even if you don't currently feel you are. I get the worry about benefits - I'm terrified too. It's another reason why I want to leave this country because I've become aware of so much suffering since I got back and I think that a lot of people are insulated from it - and it's going to have get a lot worse before things change.
However, living one's life in fear is cutting short the joy we can have in the moment. Life is precious even when it's really crap. Keep doing the counselling and try and find something that brings you joy each day and write it down - even if it's just noticing the sun shining through the window. A daily practice like this has been shown through research to shift the mind's focus. I've done it, and it's a very helpful practice. During my breakdown I wrote down things like, still breathing, roof over head, food in belly, warm bed - really basic things I appreciated but it helped me so much.
If you have access to the library, get hold of a copy of "The mindful way through depression" by Williams, Teasdale, Segal and Kabat-Zinn. If you can get hold of Jon Kabat Zinn's CD's through the library - do, particularly the body scan one. Try doing the relaxation and meditation practices. It's not an instant fix but, over time, it can help. And you don't have to move in order to do them! You can do them in your chair or on a bed.
Sending much love and hugs - take care of your precious self - you deserve nothing less however hard it feels to give that love to yourself at this moment. xxx
