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[dazned]

Im just wondering reading through alot of posts,MINE included when I was in a dark place! if we have unrealistic expectations of hrt ?
At age 49 started feeling like a totally different person,terrible previously unknown anxiety,palpitations,chronic insomnia,severe joint pains and terrible headaches about 4 days before period which then would immediately stop as I started bleed . Convinced I had some terminal illnesss! Strangely I never had hot flushes as such just permanent hot.Just had a light bulb moment that it could be hormonal,eventually after 6 months of seeing every gp at my practice,about 7 different ones,1 said I was too young,1 said I was too old !!! 1 even said it was asthma  !!! I found a doctor who agreed with me and started me on estelle duet 1 mg. Within 2 months all symptoms had gone apart from always feeling hot and sleep never really returned properly. I realize now how lucky was I to get the rright hrt first time !But whilst feeling ok and much better I was not that same person.

 5years on last year sept the same original symptoms started to creep back in so I thought Im 5years older so probably need hrt tweaking as my own levels will be further down if not none exsistant ,different set of doctors but same brick walls so went the private route and been trialing different hrt since oct to find one that suits ! Now starting what I hope will work 1mg oestrogen only for 10 weeks then add in utrogestron for last 12 days.Its been very bad through feb and march much worse than the first time but did agree too start 15 mg mirtazapine to help me through which whilst I was dead against it have to admit it has been a godsend ! Im really pinning my hopes on this new regime but reluctantly Im beginning to except that the person I was before 49 has gone and that hrt isn't going to stop every symptom I have and the ones it doesnt I will have to tackle with something else. I have definitely been guilty of thinking that hrt will restore me back to what I  was before all this meno rubbish started ! Its unrealistic really and I think if I can fully except this I will feel much better and not feel so let down.If I stop chasing perfection and start living the life I have I wont wasre anymore of it.


Sorry for the ramble you've probably nodded off by now ! Well at least its cured anyone's insomnia. 

[GypsyRoseLee]

A very thoughtful post Dazned. I have been thinking along the same lines too recently, and getting quite depressed and upset as a result. What if I have 'lost' myself and can never find 'me' again?

Before this perio menopause malarkey I was brimful of confidence. Often outspoken. Loved spontaneity and new things. I strode through life with my chin held high. I was fortunate to have had a great education and do a job I loved. I had a great marriage and lovely children. 

But now I feel very reduced. Just a shadow of my former self. Now much of the time I just pretend to be 'me'. I am very familiar with the script so can do it, but it feels very forced and draining.

Through all my research I had been led to believe that an oestrogen patch had the magical properties to give me back 'myself' and almost overnight I would feel like the new 'old' me (if that makes sense?). Now having been on HRT for 3 weeks (with little sign of improvement) I am beginning to wonder.

The again, the only other time I have felt so low and reduced and lacking confidence was when I had PND years ago. So I KNOW this is just being caused by my hormones again. But whether I can find the ideal HRT regime to help me recover 100% I don't know? I recovered 100% from PND but I was only in my early 30s then.

It would help so much if more women posted on here, who felt HRT 'had' helped them recover 100%. And if we had posts from more women who had gone through menopause and were now thoroughly enjoying life on the other side.

But I don't think they would come here because they would have no need to. I am guilty of that. A couple of months ago, when I had a 'proper' period for the first time in over a year I felt so much better for nearly 5 weeks. Just like my old self. And it never occurred to me to even come back on here because I felt so well 

[Dancinggirl]

dazned - I've have posed this question before because I so often read posts from ladies expecting all their meno symptoms to be under control once they are on HRT. I think anxiety is particularly difficult to control.
I firmly believe that HRT is not just benefits versus risks but also benefits versus side effects as well - for me there are compromises with or without HRT but if I can get a reasonable nights sleep, I don't get too many flushes and I'm not getting nasty UTI and vaginal atrophy problems then it's worth putting up with the painful withdrawal bleeds. Like so many treatments, there is often only so much that can be cured or controlled so we really need to be realistic.
When I had my year without HRT it did make me realise that I had blamed HRT for headaches and many other symptoms, many of which actually got worse without HRT. Now I'm back on systemic HRT and still using some local oestrogen, I am grateful for the the better sleep and to be free from the constant burning and discomfort of Vaginal atrophy. My joints got really painful without HRT and I'm afraid this hasn't improved much - I'm just getting older and I fear my joints are beyond help.
I think we should list the benefits we do get with HRT, then look at the side effects and then see what else can help with aspects of the menopause HRT is not helping.  If anxiety is still an issue then perhaps trying ADs/SRRIs alongside is the way to go. 
GypsyRoseLee - again, so many women long to find the 'old me' pre menopause.  I believe this is the wrong way to approach things. Through our lives we are are constantly changing - I certainly wouldn't want to be a teenager again and back in my 20s I would really have loved to know what I know now. In the last couple of years I have really looked at my lifestyle and what I want from life from now and into the future; I have found a calmer focus and try to live in the here and now. Stress, anxiety, trying to be all things to all people - these things bring nothing but resentment, fatigue and low self esteem.  Quality of life is very important and if HRT can 'improve' things then great, if it doesn't then try something else. It's often not until you stop HRT that one realises how much it helped. DG x

[Annie0710]

I'm constantly searching for a cure, I wear myself out doing it and I'm all researched out and muddled because of it

I have to zip my mouth because I have an urge to talk to any women who looks older than me to tell me their meno story, I need hope, I need reassurance that there is life after the hormones are levelled

I promise you, if I get there, I will tell my story on here but don't hold your breath

I hate it when I read from peri to finally feeling good again can be anywhere between 2-10 years, 3 years in I've really had enough

[dazned]

I  'm constantly searching for a cure, I wear myself out doing it and I'm all researched out and muddled because of it


Thats what I think Im trying to say Annie ! Hrt cannot "cure" all and Im going to try to except this ,get the best suited hrt I can get for me knowing its not a panacea ( sic) for all and stop chasing my own tail about it all ,wasting life as it slips by ,its getting too all consuming ,need to try and get on with what I have . When I can.

[Taz2]

I think we waste such a lot of time trying to be the "old us" to be honest. We can do our best to stay as healthy as possible but we do have to accept that changes will happen as we get older. We need to try to find the best possible "new us". It's a bit like mourning for what's gone and always looking back - it wont change it and it stops us enjoying the good parts of the life that we have.

Taz x

[Annie0710]

The sad part I think is, that before peri we were changing, but at a moderate and capable pace, menopause speeds the process up and from one day to the next your reflection in the mirror is unrecognisable along with all the symptoms, no wonder we've lost ourselves, I haven't a clue who I am anymore !


Annie

[honeybun]

It's unrealistic to expect to carry on feeling the way we did when we were younger. It just won't happen.
We are aging and meno or not we can't do anything about it.

My personal feeling is to try to achieve the best I can be. It's never going to be the way it was in my 30s or 40s but it can be good.
I suffer from anxiety, I have arthritic knees and a bad back. I have skin problems. But I'm still here and still kicking.

We have to try to deal with the way we are and make the most of it. It's a waste of time and energy trying to turn back time.


Honeybun
X

[Sphere27]

Great post and totally agree re our/ my expectations of what hrt will actually achieve. Been worst few months of my life and now in last 2 days stopped my HRT. Strangely enought headaches been
More bearable today. So scared of what's to follow. Going to clinic in June and maybe get another Hrt to try if synptoms return!! Yes as someone said its the anxiety that's difficult to treat and accept esp if like me You have never suffered anxiety!!
Let's hope unde this blanket of hormones the old us remains!!
Good luck and thanks for the posts!! Only thing keeping me going at the moment. Xx

[Meg]

Maybe in the future there will be an answer to our questions.  My own theory is that at present we are not at the stage where we know enough or are able to properly deliver HRT to many women.  Perhaps in the future what we know now will seem primitive, I hope so because menopause can so seriously impact on women's lives, their ability to earn a living, their emotional and physical health all connected to those chemicals which vitally control things our hormones.  In the meantime many are staggering through with reduced health and quality of life! Think of a time when you felt at your best physically and mentally, most able to cope and it was probalby when your steroid hormones where at the right levels for you.

Meg

[Greenfields]

Oh I like this thread so much.  The last two months have been so challenging for me and while I'm feeling a lot better at the moment (today) I keep wondering whether things are going to continue to improve or whether I will have more illness.  As well, I mourn the person I was and am struggling to adapt to the person I am - especially when I'm so calm doing things that, at one time, made me anxious.  It's not that I want all my anxiety back but, I was used to a particular 'set point' and now, when I'm calm and I know that normally I would be slightly anxious, it's like I don't recognise myself anymore.  Who is this person I now am? 

As well, Meg's comment about the ability to earn a living is so true - I have not worked now since the end of November and was planning on moving back to Canada in April and then getting a minimum wage job to carry me over the summer till I started my Masters in the Fall.  And the plan then was to get that 1 year qualification out the way and then get a well paid job so I could save for my retirement. 

Now I'm living off savings and wondering what I am going to do in the long term - whether moving back to Canada will be the right thing to do, and, if I do, how I get a job that pays reasonably well given I haven't got the Masters I was going to do ... and if I reapply for the Masters course, whether I can get on it. Or to stay in the UK - but I can't afford to stay where I am longterm as it's too expensive for me and again, I don't know what job I'm going to be able to get in the longterm ... and renting in the UK is so horrendous too.  The whole menopause experience flaring up when it did, has torpedoed my life plans and it's hard to figure out what to do next.

[peegeetip]

Hi GypsyRoseLee

you mention you've only been on HRT 3 weeks?

My doc put me on low dose option and it took various aspects of my problems between 3 and 6+ months to help.

I often wonder if I'd gone on medium dose, would this have helped me quicker, I'll never know.

But I had many bumps along the way, lots of guilts and doubts (primarily due to doc giving me a guilt/failure trip for taking HRT in the first place).

Once some of the issues start to clear then the old me started to reappear, however I tended to focused more on the problems I had rather how much I had changed to be honest.

[GypsyRoseLee]

Yes just 3 weeks peegeetip. The first week I was very up and down with anxiety and very low mood. Second week I felt much, much better. No anxiety. Sleep much better.

Then when my withdrawal bleed arrived my anxiety and low mood came back with a vengeance. I felt dreadful.

It's only now, 3 days after my bleed that my mood has started to improve. And this is exactly how I was before HRT which suggests to me that I need a higher dose of oestrogen?

Also my consultant only spoke in terms of a 50mg patch for me. Which also suggests to me that generally she doesn't bother with the lowest dosage patches? Perhaps when you present with extreme anxiety and mood swings like me, she knows that low dosage oestrogens just aren't going to cut it?

[SueRoe]

Isn't it exhausting having to keep up appearances in front of people who know us well? I find that an afternoon spent with my Mum or sister leaves me exhausted - the effort of being who I used to be so as not to alarm them with the "new me" is a real drain. Maybe I should just show them the ratbag I've become... maybe they are making the same effort infront of me...maybe we should all stop pretending and traipse around in our pyjamas with niffy armpits and bird's nest hair. I think the world would stop working if women showed everyone how they really feel!!   

[pepperminty]

Hi Freda ,

couldn't agree more. It is exhausting having to carry on as normal when all you really want to do is lie down in a dark room and vegetate because you feel so awful. I am pretty sure if men had to go through it the world would stop , as not one of them would be able to look after a family or work .

pmintyxx