Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[honorsmum]

I hope this isn't too sensitive a question to ask here, but it's something I have wondered about periodically.

In a nutshell -
My children are 11 and nearly 9.
5 years ago, while struggling with what later turned out to be Crohn's but was at the time diagnosed as anxiety, I got pregnant unexpectedly.
Because I was so unwell at the time, just turned 40 and my oldest child was in the process if being diagnosed with ADHD, my husband and I felt our only option was not to continue with the pregnancy.
It was a totally heartbreaking decision to have to make - absolutely awful.
Because the waiting time for the NHS was several weeks, we opted to go privately and I had a surgical termination.
Following it, I bled for weeks.

I've always felt since then that maybe the procedure changed my cycles in some way. Hard to pinpoint exactly how, but things just felt different afterwards.
Maybe it was just my age, or could it have actually affected my whole fertility?
It was a huge shock to find myself pregnant at 40, having just come off cerazette and only having sex once in about 6 months - in my early 30's, it took a year of trying to get pregnant with my daughter.

Any thoughts?

[SueRoe]

honorsmum, I don't think having to make a decision like that ever leaves you. After my surgical termination when I was 32 I was very crampy (worse than a normal period) and bled like a heavy period for a few days then suddenly haemorrhaged and was taken in to hospital for a hasty D&C to remove some tissue that the doctor had left behind. The bleeding stopped very soon after that. It was all rather frightening. I've never felt that my periods were affected by the experience or that my cycle was changed by it. I did, however, start to notice changes once I got into my forties - changes that I now think were due to the start of the mid-life hormonal changes that we all experience. I've never regretted my termination and rarely think about it, but the circumstances of yours are unique to you. Might it be that because you had your procedure when you were 40 and you're now 45-ish the feelings you have of things being different are due to hormonal changes because of your age? Do you feel different in other ways too? Also, 5 years is not a long time to adjust to a decision that you describe as heartbreaking and awful. If I could give you a hug I would. Good luck.

[CLKD]

<hugs to you both>   It is a difficult procedure for everyone concerned: parents, Nursing Staff, any children remaining ….. I think you should make an appt to see your GP and ask for an appt. to see a Gynaecologist for reassurance.  I don't think that a termination is likely to alter the monthly cycle but if this is troubling you then that reassurance from a Specialist will help.

What support do you get for your child affected by ADHD?  Do you and your husband talk about the termination decision or are you hiding deep feelings? 

[honorsmum]

Thank you, Freda and CLKD.
At the time, it was absolutely the right decision for me, and us as a family. I was very poorly, but without a diagnosis. My children were 6 and 3 and we were struggling with issues with both of them. We live in a small house, on a small income and the logistics just wouldn't allow for another child.
That said, it was still a terrible decision to have to make and isn't something that is easily talked about among friends and family. Even my GP told me I was "overthinking it" at the time, when I went to her in floods of tears to discuss options. When I rearranged a colonoscopy that I was due to have between finding out I was pregnant and having the termination, she accused me of making excuses and said that as I was having a termination , why not just have the colonoscopy anyway and  risk it causing a miscarriage.
My husband bought me a Troll bead that represents 3 siblings for each of my pregnancies, but we don't talk about it. Every year, I remember the day I found out I was pregnant and the due date and wonder what if.

I think you are eight, Freda - the changes in my cycles and periods are probably related to age, as shown by the fact that I was able to get pregnant at the drop of a hat at 40, when I'd struggled previously. Maybe I'm letting  guilt cloud things?

My daughter is on medication for her ADHD. She is doing ok, mostly, but it's still stressful at times.

[Briony]

This is really interesting. I found myself unexpectedly pregnant at 40 for the first time. Up to that point, I had had no issues with hormones nor periods. Unfortunately, we lost the baby soon after. Within a month month of this, I was thrown in to the hormonal hell that here, two years later, I am still fighting. Although anxiety and tears were my initial problem (unsurprisingly) it was the really random things that have thrown me: excruciating back and leg pains; fatigue; nausea and burping; weird sensations in my shoulder - the list goes on. Following extensive tests, it has been concluded that all of this is due to my hormones! (Estrogen found to be  very low). You could argue that at my age (nearly 43) the fact it happened following a pregnancy is irrelevant. However, I just 'know' that there is a connection. No one in my family has had an early menopause; I'd had zero signs of hormonal issues prior to this. I am convinced that it somehow knocked my hormones awry and they have just never settled. I wonder if yours could be a similar case? xx

[honorsmum]

Wow, Briony, that is strange.
It's hard for me, because I was diagnosed with Crohn's 3 months later so my health was already changing. A friend with Crohn's contacted me last week to say that she had just been diagnosed with early menopause (in her 30's), probably caused by the Crohn's. I just wondered whether some part of the surgical procedure had changed my womb in some way?
I guess we might never know.

[Dorothy]

If your GP said you were 'overthinking' it when you went to discuss options, it sounds as if you didn't have very good help and advice at the time, which can't have helped you come to terms with the situation.  It might be worth considering counselling as you said you think you may be suffering from feelings of guilt.  Also a good idea, as others have suggested, to talk to a gynaecologist to see if the process affected you physically in any way.  x

[honorsmum]

I should actually have put a complaint in about my GP, looking back - but at the time, I was in such a vulnerable place, I didn't have the strength emotionally.
She basically said that she had women week in, week out, coming to her asking for termination - sort of "no big deal". But for me, it was - it wasn't something I ever imagined having to go through, and I had 2 children so I knew what I was "getting rid of".
Neither did I get any kind of post-op help from the clinic - they were very keen to say I shouldn't feel guilty.

I have had counselling for other issues and we did discuss it, which helped. It doesn't affect my day to day life, but it is something I will never quite come to terms with and that's ok.
I will discuss the gynae side with Dr Annie Evans when I see her in a few weeks.

[CLKD]

How sad that you don't talk to your husband.  He may well be mourning too …… lighting a candle in your heart is important.  Allowing yourself time to remember too - putting away 10 mins. a day/week ……… to sit, ponder, your baby won't be forgotten.  It was a necessary decision at the time.  We have to realise that we need to 'deal with the situation with the information to hand at the time'  - yesterday has gone, 2-morrow holds mystery …..

I think that the subject is difficult for GPs too, so they may come across as flippant but deep down …… but they should be able to put their feelings away and help their patients [what ever the complaint  ]

[honorsmum]

I have tried to talk about it to him, but he always says he doesn't mention it because he doesn't want to upset me.
At the time, while making it clear it was absolutely my choice, he made it very clear that he thought it would be impossible to have another child in the circumstances. While he is very supportive if me and my feelings, I don't think he felt it as deeply himself.

[SueRoe]

I think CLKD is right - you made your decision based on the facts and the circumstances at the time. It wasn't something you did on a whim. "What if?" is part of being human. Hugs x

[honorsmum]

Thank you, Freda.
You're right - there was no other choice at the time, and it's too easy to look back now and think it would all have worked out ok, with rose tinted glasses on.
What's done is done, and it was right for us as a family - even if it's a decision I will always regret having to make.x