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[BrightLight]

Dorothy - the biggest aspect for me right now is that I didn't have children and hadn't come to terms with that.  I have been struggling with that the last few years. Somehow the finality feels like a slap in the face to me, when I hadn't quite made my final 'choice' emotionally that I was choosing another life path - I feel caught in the middle of a grief process and it's almost like the choice has been taken from me.  Sounds a bit odd, but that's how I feel.  Of course my fertility was already very low, but somehow that doesn't figure in my emotional landscape and process of life.  Where I am at was a moving forward and away from painful feelings of not achieving my goal of being a mother.

In truth the last thing I need right now is a reminder of my hormones every day.  I hope I will process all of this soon and feel better emotionally as well as physically - it's floored me to be honest.  I am a sensible, practical woman but deep down know I am grieving quite a few things along with taking on all the information I need to take care of my health.  It's just a complication I hadn't figured on - a 'natural' menopause would have been my choice   As in, not sudden and past the age I would need to consider HRT.

[CLKD]

Oh BrightLight - how difficult for you.  Whilst we have 'hope' we can kind of put the problems to the back of our minds becaause there's always 2-morrow >>> HUG <<<

Hormones into Room 101 then ;-).  I managed to be aware of mine constantly as a teen until peri-menopause ......... I kept a diary and lived 'by' the calandar 

[Briony]

BrightLight, I really feel for you as I am in a similar situation and know how you feel. I was pregnant for the first time at 40, but lost the baby. Had great hopes that I would quickly conceive again, but instead, was thrown into a premature menopause.   

All I can say to you is that time is a great healer... and so is HRT. I can now see that the swing from pregnancy  to menopause within a matter of months was such a shock to my system that my anxiety/anger/confusion  - natural after such events - was made worse by the craziness of my hormones. Two years on, and now taking HRT (I realised that it would  be dangerous not to at my age - and have opted for the most natural preparations) while I still mourn the fact I won't give birth to my own child, I see things far more positively and it no longer dominates my every waking thought. We are hoping to adopt (though that's on hold as my partner has been forced to work away from home following redundancy  ) and in the meantime, I enjoy the benefits of being childfree (I dislike the term 'childless'). You will find peace with your situation - but it takes time.

B xxxx

[CLKD]

I am child free by choice.  Hindsight tells me I wouldn't have made a good Mummy due to intense anxiety. 

It takes time to mourn.  To reach acceptance.  There are issues in my Life currently that I find hard to accept ……  I get that lurch in the early hours of sadness and guilt. 

Little steps?

[BrightLight]

Thank you.  Today I can honestly say this has been one of the worst weeks of my life - utter turmoil in every aspect of my being.

Briony - wishing you well on your journey, it's nice to know you have an understanding of similar timing of events.

Can I ask about HRT?  I can see from reading that the majority of women here are using it and I totally understand that I am young and will probably begin it but..... I don't think I would have chosen to if this had happened later in my life.

It is my understanding that the sex hormones are intrinsically linked with the endocrine system -our moods, metabolism, stress response, muscles - the works and obviously I would like to replace the ones that are now missing  

But, my concern is this...............I know for a fact that the other aspects of my hormonal profile have been out of whack for years, presumably along with my sex hormones (adrenal and thyroid - albeit under treatable levels).  I really feel that if they weren't my symptoms and experiences would not be so severe.  I would almost go so far as to say my ovaries might not have failed as they appear to have done if my whole self was in balance within these systems.

I am going to have tests to double check there isn't a problem with the pituitary gland or adrenal system that needs addressing.  The thing I am wondering about and am afraid of is that although HRT will replace certain hormones, what will happen to the rest and how will balance ever be achieved again???! 

I am scared that I will feel off par forever without the natural ability to find my own levels - I guess what I am saying is that my belief is that ideally the body finds balance, even after menopause and reduced hormones.  Other glands in the body do produce hormones, albeit in lowered amounts.  That the body finds it's homeostasis if all things are functioning correctly.

Perhaps my situation will mean I take HRT to replace the hormones that have just disappeared and then work on my stress levels and other things.  I just KNOW that one is feeding the other etc and it's really upsetting that I have crashed in the way I have.

I appreciate this post is a little bit 'involved' and complicated but it's important to me I don't take action that will protect me on one hand but I have a fear it will send me down a longer road of constant hormonal imbalance, just in a different way.

How do you feel on HRT?  Do you feel balanced, have to adjust the dose etc.   I have also read that women with Premature Ovarian Failure are often offered the pill until 'natural' menopause age - any thoughts?


from earlymenopause.com

"If you've been diagnosed with early menopause (EM) or premature ovarian failure POF), though, it's a somewhat different story. In this case, the issue isn't simply helping with symptoms, but also making sure your hormonal levels are high enough to prevent consequences like osteoporosis. Many doctors feel that younger women with low estrogen levels need higher dosages of estrogen than that in standard HRT -- and the estrogen in birth control pills is more potent than that in regular HRT. This is one of the key reasons doctors may suggest going on birth control pills for women with EM or POF. "

[Dorothy]

BrightLight - thinking of you so much as you come to terms with not having had children.  It was easier for me as I had partially come to terms with it some years previously following some gynae problems.  In fact, I thought I had TOTALLY come to terms with it, although once I realised I was perimenopausal, I realised that wasn't quite true and there had been that 'what if' thought at the back of my mind! 

Giving up anything (such as the dream of having a child) is a grieving process and takes time, so be gentle with yourself.  In time, you will find the ways of coping that work for you.  I've found great comfort in being 'Aunty' and 'Godmother' to friends' children, but I know for some women, spending time with other people's children makes it worse.  As CLKD says, little steps and you will get there eventually.

Hugs x Dorothy

[BrightLight]

Thanks for sharing Dorothy - it's a difficult process to go through.  What if and then a final curtain is definately part of life and growing older etc but it's still hard to let go and move on and yes, small steps.  Although I sometimes feel a big leap would be easier - move on and get it over with !

I know what you mean about Aunty role, I have established that one and it's great, I have also had the pleasure of some very meaningful relationships through work with pre-school children and teenagers and at one point it almost felt like I HAD actually mothered in some ways.  Playing a role in their education and personal development in the jobs I have had.  I don't work with children now and in the past few years wondered if ALL those days are behind me now and I think they are.  Before all this happened I was thinking about travel being a focus for me in the next 10 years - right now I feel so terrible I can't imagine coping with anything.

I have zero energy, muscles feels weak - it literally feels like the life has drained out of me.  I have been reading comments about ladies after hysterectomy and the appearence of symptoms - I have most of the ones I read.  Can't wait to see the Dr on Tuesday

[Dorothy]

I know what you feel about taking one big leap - if only we could!

At the moment, dealing with meno is your 'big issue' and such a big one there isn't room to think about anything else but one day that will be under control and then you can start making plans again.  Don't feel that all the good times are behind you - they are not!  There will be lots of good stuff ahead when you have those horrible hormones under control.  There are ALWAYS opportunities to work with children if that is something you feel would be helpful more than painful in the future.  And you should have lots of travelling years ahead of you.

This is not the best part of life to be going through, but one day we will be looking back on it.  Hope your Dr appointment goes well on Tuesday.  Dorothy x   

[Briony]

I sympathise with the fatigue. I have it less often than I did, but when it still strikes, it's debilitating. Collegues will sometimes claim they are 'tired' and I say nothing, but think, 'you just haven't a clue what real, crushing fatigue is like'. 

In answer to your previous questions:

I too had my adrenal and thyroid functions tested (as a result of very typical low thyroid symptoms) but nothing was found other than very low estrogen. The endocrinologist felt sure that, although they are all linked, the estrogen and progesterone were at fault, and once the balance was restored, the others - which may have been slightly out of synch - would right themselves.

Four months ago, I  began taking estrogen Evorel 50 patches and Utrogestan for days 15-26  (which I take vaginally to avoid side effects). Noticed no difference at all for several weeks, then one day it just suddenly struck me that I was feeling better and doing things again - rather than simply existing.

I was unable to take the pill, due to a history of migraines with aura and my father's stroke at an early age. However, I am still having times when the HRT sort of 'argues' with my own hormones and the fluctuations cause a recurrence of symptoms. Having now spoken to my GP, she has agreed that, despite my medical history, I can try a new 'HRT based' pill called Qlaira which is powerful enough to override my own hormones, yet still more natural than the usual more synthetic contraceptive pills . This is a fairly new pill so there are not a lot of threads on it here; however, I would recommend searching through the New Members' thread and look for one from Pixiegirl from a few months back. I found it very interesting.

I know it's hard, but I do think you should try not to 'over analyse' things. I got to the point where I was googling health websites and worrying about my symptoms 24/7 and it did me no good at all. I also made too many decisions - and rejected too many potential solutions - based on other people's experiences so, for example, I 'expected' terrible side effects from HRT (and even imagined  them) when in fact they were minimal. Yes, definitely listen to others , but weigh up what you hear, be open minded and remember that our bodies are all unique.

Good luck - hopefully things will start to ease once you've had your appointment x     

[CLKD]

I remember my Mum having crashing fatigue she would suddenly sit down and drop off to sleep. 

As for HRT  -  try not to guess what you would do 'later in life'  …… none of us know what our bodies will need.  You would be replacing what your body would make now and HRT can protect heart and bones which is why making notes from the menus, left of screen, may help.

Deal with the 'now' - yesterday has gone, 2-morrow never arrives because it is always 'today' 

[BrightLight]

CLKD  I have been reading and I wonder if when you have sudden ovarian failure it is similar to surgical menopause where I read that testosterone drops off quicker than natural menopause - this might explain the fatigue and muscle weakness that I have felt this week.  Either that or my hormones are just adjusting after the sudden shut off. The more I think about the last month, the more I can see what was happening, a scary cascade of hormonal symptoms that ended my periods

I would still like to understand a bit more about HRT and my particular situation, what is best for me.  The GP I am seeing is going to run through all that with me next week.  I am taking notes, bookmarking web pages and building an entire self help folder - amongst doing my tax return which I have 4 hrs left to complete.

[CLKD]

Well done!

Tax return done yet …….. glad I don't' have that chore any more

[peegeetip]

"How do you feel on HRT?  Do you feel balanced, have to adjust the dose etc.   I have also read that women with Premature Ovarian Failure are often offered the pill until 'natural' menopause age - any thoughts?"

Yes, whole heartedly yes, feel much better than even before the start of my Peri.

I'm open to the fact my HRT may need adjustment as things proceed.

I've mentioned the contraceptive pill on other posts btw.
I wish now that I'd not been so keen to stop it!

The main benefit there is that its free and your doc wont have control of when/what you want to take.

In peri our hormones are up and down more than after menopause point.
So having the pill would have probably leveled things out for a lot of the time I had problems.

Perhaps if I'd stuck with the pill my peri would not have given me so many ups and downs 

Also not sure if this article was mentioned by others but I wish I'd known earlier:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2800760/should-women-hrt-menopause-experts-say-s-best-way-ease-symptoms-avoid-long-term-health-problems.html

More seems to be needed to support us in our Peri Years

Hope you manage to decide on something soon.

 

[CLKD]

It is recognising the symptoms though - I could always 'justify' why I felt tired, ill, off colour …….

[peegeetip]

Lowered testosterone could give a weakness in muscles for a man over a longer period of time, not within a week or so.

However most of us ladies have much smaller amounts of testosterone than a man and certainly not enough to cause muscle weakness.

A problem with vitamins, minerals or blood would more than likely account for a swifter weakening than a drop in testosterone.
In terms of blood lower red count can make someone feel weak ahead of getting more symptoms such as breathlessness or heart palpitations and can happen relatively quickly.