Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[purplenanny]

Sending you huge hugs Night_Owl, what a sad and worrying time for you.  Your dear Dad must feel like he has been torn in two, that is such a long time to be together.

You are a kind and loving daughter and although it may not seem like it, you are helping your Dad very much just by being there and caring for him

I can't offer advice, but I do send my very best wishes to both of you
Love and hugs. PN x x

[Dana]

I'm sorry to hear this Night Owl. My suggestion may be totally unrealistic, but does he live on his own now (sorry if you've already said) and if so, would you and your Dad consider moving in with you? Perhaps he's on his own too much. The dog is probably also going through her own grief too so that's why she's not much company for him. If she was with you full time she would be happier.

Of course I understand that your living arrangements may not allow for it, but maybe it would be possible for all of you to move somewhere that would give the extra room?

[CLKD]

The other organisation that might help is Cruse. 

Your Dad's local Church might have a visiting rota, has the Vicar done his Pastoral Duties since the Service?

If he and your Mum were like we 2 are, then maybe they didn't go to Clubs etc.? So there aren't people who will drop by …… [P in L went to Bingo every Sat.  ]

 â€¦.. Rotarians might also have ideas to ease your Dad's loneliness.

Let us know how you get on!  It is very early for you both.  The little dog may well be noticing different body odours due to medication, she may well be missing your Mum too so her basket is the safe place from which to watch the household.  Some dogs prefer women  ……. and if your Mum did everything, the little dog will be in a routine ……

You could also have a small table with a photo, a plant or vase of flowers in your Dad's home ready for C.mas.  It is going to be hard, don't deny this to each other.  We are listening …...

[babyjane]

My father in law stepped out of MIL's room for half an hour to go home to fetch something she asked for.  In that half hour she passed away (it was expected). My husband and his brother sincerely believe she sent him on the errand so he would not have to remember her final moments but he still, for a time, lamented the fact he was not there. I don't think she wanted him there and wanted to spare him those moments.

[ariadne]

A colleague lost her Mum to cancer this year and her Dad was devastated and felt depressed and lonely. He wasn't used to being alone and struggled to fill his time. He couldnt see the point of carrying on. He was persuaded to accept counselling although initially he refused as he said he wasn't the sort to sit with strangers and discuss personal feelings. But in the end he accepted counselling in the form of a lady who visited him at home for several weeks and just let him talk. He looked forward to her visits. Eventually he did agree to attend the group sessions and found them less intimidating than he had thought.  After the counselling came to an end he still struggled with loneliness but has changed jobs even though he is nearing retirement age, which has given him something new to focus on.

He won't change or move anything in the house that was his wife's and no one is allowed to sit in her chair.

She told me that he visits his wife's grave twice a day, once to say good morning and once to say goodnight. He panics if anything prevents him getting there.  I found that extremely moving. 

Its such a sad situation and I can only imagine how empty and frightened your Dad must be feeling. All you can do is listen and let him talk about how he is feeling.

I'm so sorry for your loss and hope you will see a gradual improvement in your Dads mood over time

Ariadne xx

[Night_Owl]

Thank you all so much for your kind words and suggestions.

Ariadne, that is so moving and sad that your colleague's dad visits the grave twice a day.  Mum's ashes are at the funeral directors and Dad won't speak about this - we suspect he thinks he's going soon, so they will be merged.  So there is no grave to leave flowers at Christmas. 

We're not at all religious, it must be a great comfort at such times for those who are - however I have suggested to Dad maybe we could go into the local Church and light a candle for Mum, nearer to Christmas time.  He said maybe.  The Church run a 6 week group bereavement course, he says it's not for him though. 

I would so love to be able to bring him and the dog home with us for a week or so to give him a break, his memories and rituals of doing everything as Mum would around the bungalow, are so intense - unfortunately it can't happen as our cottage is tiny with very steep stairs he can't get up.  We plan to move further south in Spring next year (major upheaval though) so we'll then be about an hour drive from Dad - OH's work means we can't move any nearer to him, on the south coast.

Managed to persuade Dad to ring CRUSE, apparently the waiting list is 4 months - he said he'll think about it and get back to them.  So maybe counselling may happen, in time.  However, he keeps saying - what can anybody say that will make any difference - pointed out that it's to offload, put emotions into words, help with the emotional healing.

The dog definitely misses Mum - her gentle touch and strokes - she's so old, frail and cute.

The main factor is that I don't live near to Dad, just to pop in.  The travelling back and forth and phone calls are truly exhausting - and at some stage I will need to try and get my life on track and back into work, right now don't know how that's going to happen.

We're both hoping for a time when we can think and talk about Mum in a different, calmer way - when that will be, I have no idea.  A friend of mine who lost her Mum just before Christmas last year says that you do get more used to the pain.

At least I'm here with him now for a few days, I feel relieved, can take him out in the car.   Just to reduce his loneliness for a while.  We may go down to town this afternoon when they're turning on the Christmas lights. 

Thanks for listening.

x x x

[Millykin]

Your friend is so right the pain never goes but does get easier, I do hope you and your dad are ok, my heart breaks for both of you he sounds so lost. Sending you both hugs x

[CLKD]

Little steps.  Currently nothing anyone else will say will help.  Partly it's his age when people didn't discuss personal matters and he's a man …….

I am not Religious but I make a decoration to put on the In-laws' grave each year.  You can light a candle in your heart if you Dad isn't willing …...

[CLKD]

How are you?

[CLKD]

Any progress?