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[hanging.on.in.there]

Hi , i mentioned in another thread that my daughter was having problems at uni and there have been developments.
Her second year house of 5 girls seems to have turned against her for no apparent reason, due I think to one particular girls attitude, which seems to have spread.
My daughter asked this girl if there were any issues and this girl accused her of picking on her, even though she had talked unkindly about my daughter behind her back to cause the situation, saying she didnt want to live with her again next year.
Daughter is always kind, friendly, thoughtful, doesnt make noise  or is untidy, so she is really hurt. And as we all know, group dynamics are a funny thing.   So while she could brush it off and cope for a couple of weeks, now she is avoiding the house because of the atmosphere.
Final straw was none of them went to see her in an annual show last night, which was when she rang me, and I got no sleep. She has other freinds on her course and clubs, but these girls were her best friends from the first year.
I think the 'ringleader' is a passive aggressive type.
Any advice, as I cant bear her being so miserable x   

[Hattie]

Is there someone that she can talk to at the university about this situation - do personal tutors still exist ? who she could go to - they must have dealt with this type of situation before.

Would any of her friends from course or clubs swop houses with her so that she could move out of the situation?

Could she go to one of the student letting agencies and see if they can find another room in a house even if it was with students from a different year ? It may be better than staying on in a horrible situation ? and she might be a whole lot happier amongst some new faces now.

My daughter moved from halls to a house of 5 in the second year - dynamics between them changed - she had one of the worse damp rooms and was the 'bill sorter' so not always popular but they did all muddle along ok - she was on a four year course with a year out though and found a fourth year flat with just one of the girls who was doing the same - i'm not sure that 5 of them together would have lasted and been a good idea in the last year anyway.

Hattie X

[hanging.on.in.there]

Thanks Hattie. Great to have advice from someone who has been through similar.
It's so hard to help from a distance and the stress of the actual degree doesnt help.
I did always wonder how 5 girls would all manage- I remember a few situations developing from when I was at uni.
Such is life I guess x

[Hattie]

Only other thing i can suggest is that she asks some of her other friends NOW from course or clubs to go in with them for the 3rd year - just stick out the 2nd year with the group she is with at the moment.There are holidays inbetween and June/July next year isn't so far away.

As you say the course work is enough without other issues - my daughter got very down at one point with a damp room and a ton of coursework.

Hattie X

[hanging.on.in.there]

Regarding next year's house, they have already committed verbally to sharing next year again ( contradictory I know with all this going on) ( also they all get very ahead of themselves there to get the best houses) so I think she is between a rock and a hard place regarding that, but I will mention it later.... she said she would call me today-- dreading it !
If she pulls out now, I predict they will savage her, or say fine and cut her out even more.

Hard being a parent isn't it watching them learn about life??
I'm just aware of how important it is to hit the right tone with any advice.

Also, it is always a bit shameful to admit people dont like you .....
I'm very sad. xx 

[babyjane]

I am sorry your daughter is unhappy. Our daughter left her first year group because friendships formed as freshers in halls of residence did not develop and she made other friends as the first year went on. She shared with these friends in year 2 but had problems with the course so, to cut a long story short, she transferred to a uni within travelling distance from home (20 miles).  Same course but run properly, and she lived at home for the last 2 years and used my car to travel in each day as a day student.  She did miss out on some of the social activity but found the stress a lot less, got a good meal each evening and a decent night's sleep.  It was the best choice for her.

I do hope your daughter can sort out what is best for her, it's such a worry isn't it when they are away from your care.  We never stop being mothers.

[Hattie]

I'm sorry too - your daughter's happiness is far more important than whether they all get a best house in the third year.

Sorry i really do not know what else to suggest.

Hattie X

[honeybun]

How far away from home is she. Maybe a weekend visit from mum might help. Do you know any of her flat mates.
Maybe a visit from a parent....actually spending time in the flat with them could diffuse things.
I found that it helped my daughter when she was in halls. There was a lot of drug taking going on and after hubby and I visited unexpectedly a few times it got a little better.
My daughter spent a lot of time locked in her room, quite scared of what was happening. We were lucky though as she came home every weekend.
Unfortunately I think your daughter might just have to stick it out until next year.

I do feel for you and your daughter. It's so damned hard to stand back when actually what you want to do is go and shout at the other girls....very loud.


Honeyb
x

[hanging.on.in.there]

Yes that is exactly what I want to do !! ha ha

I know all her flat mates and we had 2 of them staying in our house over the summer, that is how well things were going...and makes me even more angry.
She's about 3 hours drive away which is possible, and was my first impulse to jump in the car and go !
I may still offer to go over for a few hours............. but I also am keen for her to fight her own battles....
anyway, thanks so much for the ideas, it helps so much.

My husband is one of life's truly guileless people, no side to him at all, so his ideas just don't seem to apply in the real world sometimes.... need other women's thoughts xx

[Rowan]

My Niece and Nephew also found it very difficult at Uni both being quiet and shy, and actually wanted to study and do the best they could, they did tough it out and it paid off, but I think it cost them especially my Nephew with his health, in his own words he said it nearly finished him off.

If you are not part of the social scene, drinking and drugs and you don't fit in it can be very difficult for a lot of students.

My other Niece is doing better, she has a room of her own, a kitchen where she can cook her own meals and near enough to go home each weekend she is happy with Uni life, she also has a boyfriend who is older then her and working but he is very protective and keeps an eye on her so that must help enormously for her. I think she did have some problems at first but the last time I spoke to her she seemed a lot happier.

On the other hand my grand daughter loved Uni life and never had any problems.

Life can be hard for some kids today I think.

[honeybun]

Definitely a visit from mum especially if you have had them staying in your house. Could you go for a weekend. You could use the excuse of Xmas shopping.

I really think it might help. You will be able to see the dynamics of the situation. for yourself and your daughter would probably love a visit from mum.

Honeyb
x

[hanging.on.in.there]

Good plan thanks- sometimes I feel I'm not up to this job..... too many pitfalls to negotiate x

[CLKD]

So take them all to Pizza Express if budget allows?  Nice easy place, opportunities to sit back and watch the interactions.  It may be that they might not all tag along but make it an open invite?

Also explain to DD that friendships do alter throughout Life, that what seems hard now is a way of standing back and watching the various dynamics.  We all want to fit in, important - we want to be valued, important - in business etc. dynamics will alter so it's good practice 

Don't wait, get in that car and turn up ?

[hanging.on.in.there]

Thanks Sparkle, and everyone, so much for your kindness and support and wonderful ideas.
Sometimes we all just need an extra friend .Love this community x

I will let you know what transpires. Love, luck and kindness in your lives x 

[rosebud57]

I think part of the problem is 5 GIRLS together.  Girls being more emotional and taking thing to heart often causes this type of situation.  With boys they have a row, say their bit and then it's all over.  Perhaps she should try and get a mixed house share. It balances the dynamics and everyone tends to behave better.