Hello Estelle
I just wanted to hug you and say I experience very similar feelings to you. I also looked into seeing Prof. Studd as I recognised so much of myself on his website (but he was just too expensive).
I have always had issues with my hormones. Suffered with PMS, quite extreme some months. And I had PND after my first DC was born. My PND was so bad it was basically a minor breakdown.
By far the worst symptoms were the waves of anxiety and the crippling fear I would never recover. I took ADs for nearly 3 years which helped, but it was mainly just time that healed.
Then I was perfectly fine for the next 8 years. My family went through some very tough times but the anxiety and depression never came back.
Then last year I turned 44 and noticed my periods were suddenly much lighter, but still regular. My PMS started lasting longer. Then over the course of a weekend last Xmas I dropped from feeling like me, to experiencing all the old feelings of dread and anxiety. No reason for it.
I was stunned and so scared. My GP gave me ADs again, but I couldn't shake the belief it was my hormones playing up again. My ADs worked well (I took amitriptyline) because it completely calmed the anxiety and gave me that nice centered, contented feelings again. But I quickly gained 14lbs in weight, my tummy was so bloated and constantly constipated.
But it really worked. Could it work for you? It's an older tri cyclic and GPs prefer the newer SSRIs, but it sounds like you really need that calming and comforting effect? SSRI never really worked for me either. Is it worth a try? You sleep like a log too.
I recently saw a specialist gynaecologist, and despite my bloods all coming back normal she has diagnosed me as peri menopausal, with heightened anxiety caused by it. She tells me my history of PMS and PND make me a prime candidate for suffering with worse mood swings and anxiety as I near the menopause.
Can I ask have you suffered with PMS and PND?
My gynaecologist is starting me on HRT next month. In preparation I have come off the amitriptyline a few weeks ago, just so I can judge if the HRT will actually help me. She promises the oestrogens give the same feelings of comfort and contentment, and a boost to libido etc.
I felt great off the amitriptyline for 3 weeks, but now I'm slipping and the anxiety has returned. It literally came over me yesterday within the time it took to drink a cup of tea. It's horrible and I really sympathise with you, and I perfectly understand how you feel you can almost 'think' yourself worse. You just want to feel calm and centered again, I know.
I think it's very encouraging that HRT initially really helped you. It shows the hormones are the culprit. Perhaps you need to up them? Or even another brand?
You WILL get better because one day you will be over the menopause and your hormones won't have this power over you anymore. My Mum and my Auntie experienced very similar symptoms to us and I do remember my Mum being an anxious tearful mess when she was about 40. But they had early, quick menopauses and were out the other side at 45. And ever since they have been absolutely fine. They both really struggle to remember how bad they felt, but my aunt kept a diary and it makes for heart breaking reading at that time.
You will feel better, we both will. My counsellor promised me that everyone eventually recovers from PND, and I believe it's the same with menopausal anxiety and depression.
One day we will be ladies in our 50s and laugh and shake our heads at how awful we feel now. It will be a distant bad dream, just like it is for my Mum and Auntie.
Like you I can handle all and every physical symptoms, if the horrible anxiety just went away.
