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[groundhog]

I'm sorry.  If it's not me moaning about my choice of table, my husband or my health it's something else.  This something else though is a Big long term problem made worse by my ridiculous lack of a spine!!!
As you know I look after my nephew who I love as if my own - we met when they were an hour old and I see them every day.   They are happy little chaps most of the time and we hve good times together.  I'm usually happy though to hnd over to mum at the end of the day as they are a handfull.   Sometimes though I end up so upset it's making me ill. More ill, more anxious, more depressed.  She is sometimes grumpy and short with them - with her finger welded on poor me button.  Boys don't want to go home and cling to me.  Even worse is tonight she was going out and their dad was looking after - they are not used to him as he is rarely around and he shouts at them a lot.  I can't cope with any of it at times and if it wasn't for my love of the children I feel like breaking contact. I tell my sister how I feel and she shrugs.  Not interested. How do you cope with family situations like this although probably you would have to think grand kids not nephews/ nieces.  I suppose it's unusual to have nephews so young.  My husband feels the same and he does t do upset.
Any advice ladies .  My husband had enough of seeing me upset but of we said anything we could lose contact and a part of ot knows it's me and my unstable hormones.  Overreact and over sensitive especially where kids are concerned.

[Joyce]

Jeepers hard for you. Can  I tell you that at our age we're not as fit as we once were. I used to look after eldest GD when daughter lived closer. Would go & stay over for 2/3 nights at a time. GD was going through terrible twos at the time. It was bl---y hard work. I love my GD to bits but I was ever so glad to head home. At the time I was suffering flushes, sweats etc as was not on HRT as I was having  a break at the time. Daughter & her partner were struggling to make ends meet too, so it was hard all round.

I got through it though, managed to not lose the plot, though I came close on occasions. Daughter realised  I was struggling at times, but I knew they needed the help I could provide.  I think you have to take a step back, mentally. Children often play up in front of parents, not wanting to go home etc. Mainly because they are getting spoit by carers/relatives & getting lots of attention. They're not daft, they are very good at playing us all off one another if they think they can get away with it.

[Ju Ju]

My grandson was 2 on Thursday, and a joy to have around, but oh, am I tired after a day looking after him?!! And there's only one of him and I have the back up of my husband, who he adores.

This is difficult for you. You absolutely adore these little boys and they you. You love them unconditionally as they deserve. This is the greatest gift anyone can give a child. They will grow up knowing they are loveable and will return the gift to others. Many people never experience this.

I gather your relationship with your sister is not what you would like. I suspect she will be on the defensive at any hint of criticism.

People tend to think discipline equals punishment. To me, as both a parent and as a teacher, discipline is part a loving relationship. Yes, there are times when you have to say no, but it can be said firmly with love. Shouting at anyone in anger will either be ignored or obeyed out of fear and resentment. ( we all have our moments of anger) With children, I had to decide what behaviour I wanted, then praised any behaviour that approximated what I was aimed at. Try getting a class of 4 year olds to tidy up by shouting. It won't happen, but if you praise one child for putting something away, then they all get the idea.

The same applies to adults. How do you want your sister to be with her boys? If you see any glimmer of that behaviour and comment how lovely the boys were when she said or did....... I have done this with my husband. ( please no one tell him!). He used to do little in the house. I decided what would help me when I wasn't well, praised and thanked him whenever he did anything. (even when I have had to redo the task!). Basically tell her where she is going right not where she is going wrong.

Do you feel any love and respect for your sister? It will help if you can find some glimmer, however small.  It's not a guarantee, but relationships can change if you change and think about your responses. However, if she really doesn't give a damn, you can't help. You can't help someone if they don't want help.

I don't know whether this helps at all, but you need to feel easier about the boys so you can take some steps away. Love Ju Juxx

[Limpy]

Groundhog you HAVE TO start looking after yourself.
Your sister is old enough to get pregnant, she is old enough to look after her own children.
You've got a big operation coming up, you will have to take several steps back then.

I don't mean to shout but it upsets me the way you get trampled on.
What does your OH think you should do?

[honeybun]

Difficult for you when the children are clinging to you.....but......by the time they have got to the end of the road they will be fine.

Ok your sister shouts a bit....didn't we all when we had young children. She is coming in from work and then has to do the bed and bath bit, the cleaning the teeth bit and just the general boring stuff. She is bound to be tired with twins to look after even with your help.

As CG says kids are great at playing adults off one another. Try to relax a bit. You need to be as well as you can in preparation for your operation and worrying about the children really won't help.

Your sister obviously needs you but will not let you make comments on the way she is with her kids......Well leave her to it.
Enjoy your time with the boys and then hand  them to their mother and forget them for a while.
I know it's hard to hear but they are not your children.....but one thing I would be prepared to put money on is that your sister will never remove the children from your care.....She needs you far too much.
I think you will find things change a lot when you are recovering from your op. They will have to look after you and if you are very sensible then you will look very hard at what you want your life to be like before you start looking after every one again.
This is your opportunity to change things because alternative arrangements will be in place and if I were you I would never return to the position you are in now.

Big decisions ahead I think......Don't miss the chance for you and hubby to have some quality of life.

Honeyb
x

[groundhog]

Thank you again ladies.  I was really upset last night and I do realise it's partly my fault as I am too sensitive.  But I just wish my sister would say something encouraging or nice to me now and then but she is just not like that.  She knows I have a brilliant relationship with the boys and she needs me as much as I need them in my life.  I do find it hard to let go though.  The last few years have been life changing for me - finishing work was a big deal - even though I should count myself lucky - I have struggled to adapt to my new role in life.  I am trying to find other things that make me happy apart from the children.    Oh I don't know - I think what keeps coming back is I need to back off and find my life again.  Work was my life I suppose in a sad sort of way - it was interesting yet hard going requiring all my energy and now it's gone I feel empty.  The my mother had brain haemorhage,  plus all the upheaval meno brings it's been a rough ride.  Nothing to compared to some of course I am aware of that. 
You are right in saying this operation is my chance to change the dynamics.  I am very worried about it naturally  - I sometimes tell my husband who can be a bit blasé about it ' would you have your testic*** cut off and your bum sewn up on the off chance of cancer '.  Usually shuts him up.
I feel better today and thank you again ladies for all your words of wisdom.  It's so helpful xxx

[honeybun]

I think we all get to that kind of point.

For me it was kids flying the nest...Well they have flown back and gone again....and back.
I had spent so many years being Mum it was difficult to think what else I would be.

My hubby is ten years older than me and has a few health issues and who knows how long we have left together. I have my mother in the background as you know but I am very aware we only walk this way once and we should make the very most of things.

For once try and think what you want for yourself. Write it down....think about it ...then do it.
Hubby and I were just talking about how our role as active parents is decreasing by the month.
It's time for us......I have lots of plans for next year....some little and some bigger.

Grasp it, and let others make their own decisions......You only get one chance.


Honeyb
x

[Limpy]

That said everything beautifully Honeyb.

[Joyce]

So very true. Grab every chance with both hands.

[CLKD]

Maybe your sister has some guilt about leaving the boys so often.  Is she grumpy with you or about her work situation …….. people who are scared can be guilty/angry.

However: is she aware of the fact that the father shouts?  This is not a healthy situation, if he is rarely around but shouts probably means he resents the time he has to spend with them?  Does he not have regular access and if so, why not?  Shouting could lead to hitting  .  Is it necessary for him to be there if you are?  Do you have a 'relationship' with him which would open up avenues to point out that the boys would prefer it if he didn't shout?

It is time to write The Letter.  Sit down and decide as suggested what YOU and your husband want in future, together.  Then write The Letter to your sister.  Put down exactly what you 2 have decided.  This letter may take a few 'goes' to get it 'right', the point being that once you have written it several times, what you need now will be in your head.  Making it easier to say it to your sister!  No need to have a row but be firm.  "I love looking after the boys and I want to maintain contact and help when possible but as they get older and head towards school, DH and I are making plans so what worked in the past is going to change in order to   â€¦.. " : then you can add what you have put into your letter . 

Once you have the surgery you need to be looking after yourself, encouraging DH to help with chores he might well not be aware of  etc.; and after surgery you need to be looking forwards to your new plans together.  Once the boys are in School you will be able to take them out and about for treats rather than as a 'chore'.

[Limpy]

Grounhog - CLKD is totally right about writing the letter that you and OH need to write.
It might help sort out what needs to be done regarding assistance for your mother.
It also may help to clarify what is going on with your nephews father and his shouting.

The main thing is to keep calm.
We can't sort out the world.

[CLKD]

   putting it onto paper gets it out of our heads  - for me, makes things clearer somehow 

[groundhog]

It's all so difficult though ladies.  The partner lives away and comes home at weekends.  My sister is quite lenient with them but he isn't so they seem to play up when he is around hence the shouting.  I make a point of not being around when he is home as it makes the children worse as they come to me rather than him.  I hate it and find it all so upsetting.  But the children are use to us and not so used to him but my sister doesn't see it as a problem.  I would be worried about saying anything incase I'm seen as interfering.  Even though I do everything for my sister I can't talk to her which is ridiculous I know. 
I'm so unhappy with the situation but the boys are getting older ( they are in school now CLKD) so I try to just get on with things.  The operation hangs heavy on my mind and for some reason this weekend I feel very tearful and sorry for my mother.  She said she is dreading me not being around and she may as well be dead without me.  Now for my mother to say something like that is very unusual as I say - cold fish.  I don't think she is being selfish she seemed genuinely worried by it all.  This was in one if her lucid moments - tomorrow it will no doubt be different.  I'm waiting for some counselling so at least I can talk it all through again nit that there are any easy answers.
Thanks for your words of advice ladies xxx

[CLKD]

My sister used to play my Dad up - he was in hospital for months and 'allowed out' at weekends.  She was a real witch    but it was for attention.  She would faint to order, go very quiet, have temper tantrums, this at the age of 8!

I can't discuss anything with her.  I don't even try any more.  Your nephews are used to the situation probably more aware than you realise, not much goes past kids!  If you think they are in danger though you must speak out.  In school already 

Of course you will feel tearful, this is a huge issue for you and your husband, plus your routine will be altered which will affect those you help.  But you can't fix how they feel about your health!  My Mum occasionally seems to be genuinely concerned but it doesn't last, I have learnt to take those moments as nice .... but not to expect much more.  Let it pass.  As long as her care is sorted well before you go to Hospital she will cope.