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[honeybun]

Sis is calling mothers care agency in the morning as they provide cleaners. They are all vetted so we will have no worries about that.

It won't be for that long, a few weeks at most then we can get to normal....or what passes for normal in my family 


Honeyb
X

[CLKD]

It can be for as long as is necessary!  Time to begin stepping back and becoming a daughter again  .  If someone else can do the cleaning then so be it and after 2 weeks hopefully your Mum will be used to it.

[babyjane]

Do you feel guilty that you can't 'do' for mum at the moment honeybun.  Has she made you feel that way?

I agree with CLKD on this one, you are her daughter, not the carer or her cleaner or her punchbag x

[honeybun]

The trouble is if I don't "do" for her she will become demanding in other ways.
Its a way of life for me. It's not a recent thing although it has increased as she has got older. I have been doing something for the last 13 years.

We get through the next few weeks then back to normal.

I don't know how to do it any other way to be honest.


Honeyb
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[Limpy]

Honeyb, Do you still have to do the heavy cleaning type stuff, couldn't you just go and see her and do lighter things like sort her meals and tablets out........ 

Then you could do daughter type things.

[honeybun]

Yes kind of thinking that might be a good idea. All depends of course on how she gets on with the cleaner 


Honeyb
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[Limpy]

You would still be seeing her and doing the lighter things.
Your slipped disc may be a hint to do less of the heavy stuff.

[CLKD]

Honeybun Life isn't static!  What other demands could your Mother make?  If her cleaning is being done, she has regular carers in to help: apart from cooking 

This is your chance to get a new Life and step back!  Hopefully both you and she will appreciate the extra help 

[babyjane]

from what I have seen of slipped discs once they slip they can slip again and eventually rupture.  Of course it is your choice if you want to risk this but it seems a shame not to heed a clear warning that it could be time to delegate more and take care of you x

[CLKD]

What are they shouting at *you* for 

[honeybun]

Oh heavens, here we go again.

Mother has decided there are to be no more strangers in her house. Her carers have told her they will change the bed and she wants a lightweight Hoover so she can do some light housework herself.
Sister has called and screamed at me that she wants no more to do with organising a cleaner. She thinks I told mother that she didn't need to have one. You just couldn't make it up even if you tried.

 


Honeyb
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[Scampi]

HB - I've not really got involved with this before as it's impossible for anyone outside a situation to understand the dynamics and the pressures.  But enough is enough.

Contact Social Services and your mum's doctor and fully explain the situation to them - tell them, in no uncertain terms, that you CANNOT do anything physical to help your mum, but that your mum is being awkward and won't allow 'strangers'.

Calmly pass on what is said to your sister, remind her (as subtly or unsubtly as necessary) that you physically cannot do it, that your back is precious and if you don't take care of it the present situation will become permanent. 

Then step back.  You say your hubby is supportive, but less than subtle when dealing with people who just don't 'get' it - so let him deal with them for a while.  If you mum kicks off, let him tell her how it is, if your sister gets unreasonble, pass him the phone. 

My dad had a laminectomy and 4 vertebrae fused when he was 32 - the surgery worked and he was mobile until he was taken from us by cancer ... but he drummed into me a respect for back pain and back care that few around me seem to share - too often, niggles and even severe pain are brushed off as 'nothing' and people who take time off work to allow back injuries to heal are called malingerers.  You CANNOT play fast and loose with your back - listen to what it is telling you.

[CLKD]

Did you put down the phone?  When my sister 'starts' that's what I do, it really did get easier  ......... no reaction, put phone down and walk away.  We hve an answer machine so for a while I let all calls go there 

They won't be strangers once they have visited a few times 

[babyjane]

I am so sorry honeybun, I have respect for you and, as scampi said, no one outside can appreciate the dynamics of a family situation.  It is not really our business but in making this thread you involved us and asked for input.

This is my 2 pennyworth and I apologise if I am out of order but your mother is being allowed to call the shots by throwing tantrums and has you scuttling in all directions trying to please her and keep the peace.

I have seen all that you describe and more with my own grandmother and I saw my mother's health and marriage, and also my childhood and growing up, damaged by it.  No one has the right to do this to their loved ones and there is no love behind it except perhaps for themselves.  Love does not treat people like this.

My grandmother had a hold over my parents and I only found out what it was as I grew older.  What hold does your mother have over you honeybun because she doesn't treat you as a mother who has any love for her daughter.

I am so sorry if I offend you but this is rousing emotions and anger in me.

[Limpy]

Honeyb - Scampi has said it all.

You CAN'T do the cleaning, not if you want to preserve your back.
Your Mum and Sister don't want cleaners in, fine, let them get on with it.

You've said you don't want your husband intimidating your small frail Mum.......... 
It could be useful if he had a word with your Sister. It seems like your Mum has been unchallenged for ever, now seems to be a good time to start really looking out for yourself. 

It's your back, it matters, look after it. Please get your husband to deal with your Sister and your Mum.