I've just logged in to find the lovely, kind words many of you said when I last posted. Thank you everyone. I'm sorry I didn't check back earlier.
It's now almost 3 and a half years ago and I'm in a much better place. I still feel guilty, not all the time but it does hit me occasionally. But now I think to myself 'It wasn't your fault' and that helps me to reason with myself.
I still can't believe he's gone and now I wonder whether I ever will. I'm doing ok though and thankfully so are my sons now. One of them really struggled for a very long time but thankfully he too is in a much better place. Christmas is coming and for the first time I'm looking forward to it. We both always loved Christmas so I know he'd want me to be able to enjoy it again. I have another reason to be optimistic as my second grandchild is due in March (we'd just become grandparents when my husband died). It'll be sad that he's not here but I feel I carry him in my heart always and experience life for both of us.
I'm still having the night sweats after 7 years and they're still a pain, not as bad as they were by any means but the hrt I was taking at the time stopped working. I think it must have been the shock but the withdrawal bleed disappeared and the sweats came back so it seemed pointless to continue and so I came off. Somehow I've come to live with being woken up every couple of hours, it's just a part of life but I do wish they'd stop xxx
