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[groundhog]

This week has been a sad week in my village - a young man was tragically killed - everyone totally shocked and devastated for the family.  Hubby and I havebeen arguing a lot lately and on hearing this awful news we said we would try harder to be nicer to each other as I don't know how I would cope if I had the dreaded knock on the door.  Our good intentions didn't last long.  He can be so annoying.  He decided to clean the garage which is full of his rubbish.  It took hours and I helped by sweeping and sorting the rubbish.  Once he gets into cleaning mode tho he wants to chuck out everything and anything.  Now it's a garage so there will be some junk etc but no he was having none of it - the lot was going out.  So we had massive argument and I stormed off.  I went to my mothers who was trying to make a sandwich with frozen bread - I just broke down and upset her too.  I came home and all the mess was still outside and he was on the computer ignoring me.  I don't know ladies the thought of living on my own is becoming more appealing by the day.  We seem to bicker over everything - tv, food, what to do,  we seem to have opposite views on everything lately.  Sorry for rant and moan - just needed to unload.  We have been married 34 years.  Hard to start again after so long. 

[honeybun]

It was a spat over stuff.....we all have them. I don't think by what you have said before you are headed for the divorce courts quite yet.

Sometimes I could choke my hubby but after 30 years, if I'm honest, I could not imagine life without him.
CLKD has asked this question before under similar circumstances.....How would you feel if he dropped down dead tomorrow.It's a hard thing to contemplate.
All marriages have rough points no matter how long you have been together.

You have a lot of people looking for your attention....perhaps he feels that he is not top of your list.

Make up before you go to bed....It's a garage with junk in .


Honeyb
x

[Limpy]

Just tell him that whist you do love him he's not easy to be with.
Perhaps ask what "we are going to do with the mess outside"
I know he started it but it would be good to think about other things.

There have been so many times I have wanted to go and live by myself, but it's not easy to start again after so long. Mostly we work ok together.

[bramble]

If it is junk that is in the garage, why is there a problem of it going to the tip? And if it is all his stuff anyway, why stress about it. You will have a clean tidy garage which you can fill with your junk!
Most marriages go through bumpy patches. Try to take on board the saying 'don't sweat the small stuff'. Difficult maybe at this time when you have so much going on, but your relationship with your husband can and should be the one constant in your life. Thirty odd years together is a long time - this will blow over I am sure. Could you both get dressed up one night and go out on a 'date'? Perhaps try and relax a bit in each other's company away from the stresses of everyday life?

Bramble

[kiltgirl]

 
big hugs groundhog

it must be hard living with someone so long...i take my hat off to all of you who do, i think i could only cope with a partner if they lived in a separate house from me...that prob would go for them too, I'm a nightmare..

hope your evening is better xx

[CLKD]

Is it the weather  ……… are we not listening to each other  …….. time of Life ………

What's the out-come this evening?  Are there items in t he garage of value although rarely is nothing as valuable as we think it ought to be  .  Maybe a pile for tip, another for selling, another to keep for selling later?

Even if it's 'his' stuff it becomes part of yours by osmosis!

As for your Mum - sad to find her using frozen bread …….. perhaps the feeling is that you spend too much time there and not enough on your husband, time for 'that talk' ?

[groundhog]

Thanks ladies and yes when you put it like that,  it sounds pathetic.  I think the argument though is indicative of a bigger problem called life.  As y know we have family stresses and he is fed up of it all.  So say for example I go down my mothers on a scheduled visit but am late back he will have one of 'his" programmes on tv rather than what we had planned to watch together.  He can be really awkward - you could swear I had been out on the town!  But we are under stress and boy does it show plus meno me as well.  I'm like a match sometimes - totally lose it!  We don't even sleep together anymore because of the snoring - well we start off in separate beds as I can't get to sleep but he comes into our bed in the middle of the night when I am asleep. But yes the thought of life without him doesn't bear thinking about.
He cleaned up the garage mess and we are now watching tv .  We won't go to bed on an argument - it's just not worth it xx. Thanks again xx

[CLKD]

xx

We never go to bed on an argument 'cos he goes to sleep  whilst I lay and worry 

Maybe he isn't being awkward about the programme but thinks that if you aren't there, he is able to watch what he likes?  Most TV programmes come around over and over these days, what with all the +1 channels and out-there - DAVE etc..  So you can record or catch up on More4 etc.  .  If he's watching what he likes he's not sitting there stewing  that you are again spending more time with your Mum, which whilst necessary, is interrupting your time together so he may be disappointed?

[groundhog]

Sorry CLKD and Kiltgirl - our replies crossed.
Yes we have been together a very long time and it's been a rocky road sometimes like most marriages I know.  I can be a nightmare - I'm moody and a clean freak for starters!  He is messy and cheerful all the time,  well apart from when he is cleaning the garage or doing something he doesn't want to do.
CLKD - yes I was hot and sweaty and I know he called me back out to sweep up!  He is ex military and likes giving orders!!  The argument was over a butchers block that he bought me 15 years ago - solid piece of wood which doesn't go in our kitchen and is quite handy in the garage.  He tanks it's an eyesore -now coming from someone who is so messy I wouldn't have thought he would have even noticed it.  Anyway......silly argument.
I don't spend so much time at my mothers now.  I go down at certain times - today it was popping in to take her dinner ( she has ready meals all week so on a sunday I cook her a dinner).  That's usually a flying visit.  Then I go down at 5 to put rubbish out etc.  Of course it's not just my mother who needs me so yes sometimes I do get delayed and am later back than expected.  He feels like my father sometimes lol. 
Outcome was he cleared up the mess - put the butchers block back in the garage and apologised for making me cry.  So all ok ATM.  Xxx

[CLKD]

That's good.  He apologised.  That helps most situations  …….. a butcher's block can be difficult to place anywhere, even in a barn conversion  ……….. it is on legs?  Maybe a feature in the garden to feed the birds on?  They come up in auctions occasionally but mostly well used  so they would need lots of scrubbing before getting through our kitchen door! 

Sleep tight.  Maybe make a list of what is bothering you particularly and ask him to do the same to compere notes ……..

[groundhog]

It was on castors CLKD but they have been lost somewhere.  It suited my last house but not this one - seems shame to chuck it tho.  I may clean it up and put it in conservatory - be good to display plants on maybe.  Yes good thinking CLKD. 
I told him about writing lists of our gripes - he said - that be one hellova list. Ha ha he's so funny - not

[CLKD]

  ……… so give him a large pad, you know, the 1 with lines on  - can get them from WHSmith, Staples, etc.: and a pack of biros; perhaps have a small bet about if his will be longer than yours, i.e. a kiss or a glass of wine ……..

Hand it to him saying 'there is stuff bothering you then, jot it down' …….. keeping it light can open ways of communication.

[groundhog]

Or il just tell him to wise up and be grateful he has such an awesome wife.  Ok maybe not.
He's not good with lists and stuff.  I know what he would say - stop overreacting to everything and try and be a bit more positive......
My list would include -
Very untidy
Very noisy especially in the morning
Drinks too much at weekends
Sanctimonious because he doesn't drink in the week ( I like a glass of wine most nights)
SNORES!!!!
Pedantic about TV - if Eastenders comes on by accident he almost has a funny turn.  He HATES soaps yet will watch Morse, Midsomemr Murders and Foyles war over and over and over and over .....
Always thinks everyone is having a far better time than he is.  That one really annoys me.
I could go on.......
And on .....
 

[Joyce]

I could make a list about my hubby & he could probably make one about me also, but we don't. We have stuff we watch together, others we watch separately. He snores, I snore.

But would I be without him? Not on your life.

Why not record stuff you can enjoy together or not as the case may be.

It took me about 5 years to get my hubby to clear out garage, still some stuff which could go, but it's not bothering me anymore.

Hope this blows over groundhog.

[Taz2]

Reading quickly through this it would seem that, like a lot of men, he wants to be further towards the top of your list. I know that he should be adult enough to accept that you have other commitments but lots of men can feel very neglected as they get older. They have the same worries as us over ageing and begin to lose confidence but are not good at talking about their feelings. Sometimes it really is like having another child I reckon.

Taz x