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[babypink2807]

Am I wrong to do this?

My ex husband who treated me absolutely appallingly (yes I know its one sided conversation here). But believe me he left me homeless and broke which led to a miserable life for me for a few years.  I don't think I've got over how bad I was treated. I have found him on FB and he is remarried, his wife is happy blah blah blah and she looks a lovely lady

But......why has he had all the luck and living the dream and I'm not still, I've aged years since my illness, I'm now with a damn disability, I've lost who I am, my house is a tip still I can't keep up with it.  I bet he hasn't even mentioned me to her because I am sure deep down he is ashamed of what he did. That man has ruined me forever, and I feel the urge to send her a message of what a true,y odious man he really is

[Linsey44]

Hi Babypink

I'm really sorry you have had such a horrible time, I divorced my first husband as he left me with a 6month old baby while I was suffering from postnatal depression, so I totally get your feelings of anger and hurt as I was left in a precarious financial position and moved back in with my parents for a few years as a result.

From reading your post I'm sensing that you haven't dealt with the end of your marriage if you are still looking him up on FB. Have you had any counselling re your marriage or your health issues - could that help you.  Concentrate on yourself first and get into a good place, this man has already taken up too much of your time.

Also they say revenge is a dish best served cold, although you might feel better initially posting something on FB - would other people could see it as well?  What happens after you send a message?  Do you expect a reply?

Karma has its own way of working I am now in a happy marriage  - however the ex husband relocated to another country -  had business failures, immigration issues, probs with jobs, a wife who cheated on him and kids who aren't the best behaved - unlike the one he walked out on 20yrs ago. 

Be kind to and focus on yourself first and foremost
Linsey

[groundhog]

Hi Babypink - I don't know you or the circumstances but I would tread carefully as I would worry you would end up feeling worse.  It must be so tempting to send a message but it's surely only going to cause you distress and maybe more anger.  You can't tell what their life is like by looking at Facebook as people tend to paint a very rosy picture on there as they talk about their amazing families, holidays and life - reality may be very different.
I'm sure someone who has been on this forum longer than I will comment later but my initial reaction would be - No don't do it.
Sorry to hear about the problems you are having in your own life.  I have chronic ill health and it's not easy.  Try and be kind to yourself even in some small way in the hope it makes YOU feel better. 

[babypink2807]

I won't do anything, although I want to the horrible man......

[CLKD]

Why are you looking on Facebook for anything at all? particularly relating to your ex - this is what he is, your ex and he treated you badly.  Distance and time can sometimes make people wonder if 'all that happened was really true' …….. however, he may well be treating this new wife the same way as you were treated. 

NO ONE HAS THE 'RIGHT' TO HURT ANOTHER PERSON! sometimes however we do say things in haste which cannot be retracted: in the same way, what is posted in the WWW cannot be taken back. 

You won't 'get even' - ever.  I doubt very much that he is ashamed, why would he be? In my experience abusers may well act ashamed: until the next time they abuse, because it is silent, they can 'get away with it' .   Why would he think about you any more, he's got a different life ………..  get a cushion and beat it hard, lots and lots and lots 

I think talking with a Womens' Refuge Centre might be the way to go, to be with people who have similar experiences and who are further along the line than you are.  Hold your head high and don't let him take up space in your brain any longer.  Deal with the 'now', not what 'might have been'.  It didn't get to where you wanted with this man so moving on is important for you at this time. 

Take 2 large sheets of paper.  Write down on one why you separated.  Write down on the other where you are now: pets, new people in your Life, a roof over your head ………. which would you prefer to relate to at this time?

[honeybun]

I understand why you may be resentful. But.

It's not his fault you became ill. It's not his fault you feel resentful. I know from your previous posts that you have issues with your current partner and problem s with your son and grandchild.
Once you separated and divorced your life was in your hands. Some people bring the worse out in each other not matter how hard you try.

You can't change the past but you can influence what your future holds.

Concentrate on now and getting your house the way you want it.

Did you manage to resolve the problems you have with your partner. I know he was messaging someone else and not supporting you.
Hopefully that is all sorted now and you can move forward with your life.
You also spoke about having your colostomy reversed so that would be something to look forward to and then you would not feel as if you were disabled in any way.



Honeyb
x

[Limpy]

Babypink - When did your ex husband become ex, was it before your recent horrible health problems?

If so,  I am not sure you can hold him responsible for your health issues. It can't be easy for you but was it his fault?

The main thing for you to do is look after yourself.
Lots of hugs

[CLKD]

Anger, sadness, sorrow can cause health problems so upheaval in a relationship can be blamed.  Upset can niggle away inside even if we are unaware  ………. writing a letter to the ex then burning it can be cathartic 

[Ju Ju]

Your ex is exactly that. Your ex; in the past. He is not harming you now.

 What is harming you is your thoughts. We can't stop thoughts coming through our minds, but we can choose not to keep chasing and acting on them. We all live in our heads, but what goes on in our heads is not reality.

It is not easy to let go of angry painful thoughts, so sometimes if you really want to, seeking counselling, life coaching etc. can help. A good start might be to ring the Samaritans. They do not tell you what to do or advise. They give you a safe space to talk and be heard and be valued. I cannot recommend their services highly enough having rung them years ago over painful issues in my life. I came up with the beginning of the path I should take myself just by talking to someone anonymously. That was the beginning of healing for me.

You do matter. You are worthy. You can make things better. I send you a virtual hug.

[babypink2807]

At the moment I'm not having my stoma reversed, I need a couple of years rest bite from pain, so not doing it yet and on HRT which has taken away some symptoms.

My sinus, dizzyness, nausea, migraines, aching joints and hernia are all still a daily part of my life, every single day. Still on warfarin and will be for life.  I am mostly at the hospital or clinic every two or three weeks continually

Issues with partner continuing, but I'm past caring.  However I am supporting him through his cancer

My son I talk to regularly, but still not seen grand daughter, his girlfriend won't budge, so just leaving it as it is

I'm not blaming my ex husband for my illness, I'm blaming him for ruining my life and trust, and made me into a person I don't recognise.  Yes I fought back and just made the best of what I have and had.  That was about 7 years ago.  I wasn't looking for him by the way, he appeared as a friend on my friends FB page, I nearly fell off my chair.  I despise him intently, Karma I am sure will catch him out

[CLKD]

I bought anti-allergy pillows from Homebase.  Im not 1 to be taken in by advertisers hype but have found them wonderful, my nasal symptoms cleared within 5 nights so no more sneezing in the early hours.

How is your diet generally?

[babypink2807]

It's ok. I'm hoping to find a nutritionist to help. Its a case of getting the right foods with the right vitamins as absorption is the issue. Hence my lack of hair now and poor skin

I'm also considering yoga to help with muscle tone and hope it helps with the hernia

Help me relax, clear my mind and tone and de stress

[CLKD]

Taught correctly yoga can be really beneficial

Nuitrion is important.  You are on the 'up' ! 

[Scampi]

Why did you accept him as a friend??  Unfriend him - now.

And please, consider some counselling.  You have been through (and are still going through) so much - it's too much to deal with on your own.  And it's obvious there are still issues from your marriage and divorce that you haven't moved on from.  Please - talk to someone who can help, for the sake of your own health and peace of mind.

[CLKD]

I found talking therapy about my childhood really useful.  I hadn't realised how angry I still was, well into my mid-30s.  Talking to a stranger who wouldn't say 'that couldn't have happened because  ……. ' or worse, to tell me that they knew but could do nothing, was helpful.  It allowed me to vent, to reconsider, to discuss, decide, ditch  ………. I went intermittently for 3 years and it cleared my mind.