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[groundhog]

Ok ladies, here's the story.  I have been married 33 years throughout which we have had lots of ups and downs.  My chrons disease has resulted in countless operations which has affected our life in many ways including holidays and intimacy.  But we are still here and ok ish.  Since the meno I have become more anxious and depressed blah blah and intimacy is on the back burner for much of the time.  My life is not as I would want ( whose is?) as my mother had brain haemorrhage just as I was retired from a job I loved, owing to my health which means a stressful but enjoyable working life has now been replaced with a stressful and mundane life.  I could go on and on and on and flaming on...........
But to get to the point - I got home this evening to my husband playing suduko again on his ipad. It was 7 pm and the food I had laid out was still waiting to be cooked. I 'moaned' and asked why he hadn't put it in the oven and he said ' cos you never told me to'.  My husband is not daft or incapable infact he is very capable but I think he just cannot be bothered.  Now that I ' don't work' ( he is still self employed) he does NOTHING around the house. So I did have a bit of a go and at the end of the argument he said ' I'm a good husband - I work hard and I don't beat you'.
Yes he does work hard and no he is not violent in any way.  I feel insulted though as I want a bit more than that - what do you think ladies?  Am I over reacting ?
My husband btw had increased his workload to avoid helping me with my mother as he can't cope with her.  I resent that.  Maybe that's why we argue ?
Anyone else in the same boat and how do you cope?
Thanks you xxx

[Joyce]

Think it's in part a male thing. They don't think. I do understand where you're coming from though. My hubby needs step-by-step instructions left for him.

I don't think you're over reacting though. Think he's being a tad insensitive.

Did he deliberately increase his workload, or did it just coincide?

[Diamonds and pearls 53]

 I can understand why you were annoyed!...your husband is a functioning adult and should not need you to 'tell him' to put food in the oven (providing he knew what time you were coming home)...but...one thing I have learned about men is that you should never 'assume' they will do something-most men need direction and it is best to be clear about your expectations.
Maybe a calm discussion to let him know how you can support each other-after all you have swapped one paid job for another unpaid job-he should certainly be doing his share round the house! And I hope the 'I don't beat you' comment was said in jest? (albeit poor taste!)

[Rowan]

' I'm a good husband - I work hard and I don't beat you'  , that sounds like a remark from the middle ages, as DP says I do hope he was joking.

Think its time you did less and let him see how much you do do, I think I would have said that "if you couldn't be bothered to put food in the oven, then neither can I, and I will just have toast"

[honeybun]

I am kind of in the same position as you. I look after my mum which as everyone else knows I find very hard but I do share the care with my sister which helps.
You sound as if you feel undervalued which I also understand. It's very difficult doing the same thing day in and out with little to no thanks.
Have you thought of claiming carers allowance to give you a bit of money of your own.

My hubby is retired so he is around all the time. He does help but I have to tell him what I want him to do otherwise he just does not see it. Years ago I used to work weekends so he took over cooking on a Sunday. Just that one day a week makes such a difference as its a break from routine. I don't ask him to iron but he will hoover but again has to be asked.
Perhaps if you left a note in the kitchen to ask hubby to put something in the oven he could do that. They have to be told as my hubby says he is not a mind reader 

He has the stuff that he does and I have my own stuff. You have to work out a way of asking for help without arguing about it.

Men are just so different in what they think.


Honeyb
x

[Limpy]

Men need  specific instructions to do anything around the house. You can never assume they will use their initiative, even when it involves them doing something they have done previously thus demonstrating they know how to do it.

[Ju Ju]

HB is so right about men's mind set. My husband is willing, but I have to be specific, which can be exhausting. Almost easier to do it yourself. I love it when he has visitors as he suddenly sees what needs doing! The house then looks tidy! I think it does have some bearing on expectations and values experienced when growing up. 

How would your husband respond to a short list of things to do? It helps to accept that he is different. If he does anything to help do show appreciation. Yes I know he probably doesn't show appreciation for all that you do, but it will encourage him to do more. Think how you respond to praise. When I was a teacher of young children or with my own children, if I responded in anger, I got nowhere. Yet when I responded with praise, when they behaved in way even slightly near my expectations, miracles happened. It works with adults! Take the emotion out, try this and see what happens.

[honeybun]

It has taken us a while to be comfortable with what each other does. He knows I get very weary being at mum's a lot and asks what he can do to help.
To be honest though I just want him to look around and see for himself but I know that ain't going to happen. Hence the lists 


Honeyb
x

[CLKD]

MEN    - but they are not mind readers as mine said to me many years ago.  "If you want something doing then ask .... " : as men don't see the same issues that women do.  Thank goodness as we live in a cluttered house with dust.  He has always cooked (I'm a recovering anorexic), driven us places, put up with my parents, never complained when panic attacks drove me from theatres etc. where we had sometimes paid a lot for tickets and no, he doesn't drink nor does he beat me.  He got drunk once badly and I locked him out - that to me is as bad as being beaten.  I always said that a man would only hit me once, the next time I would be ready and would probably swing for him  (I come from a violent background and simply would not put up with!! )

Since he retired nearly 3 years ago he has taken over the hoovery-thingy and will decorate, dig the garden; he rarely complains at me.  If I need something doing I ask.  Now he tends to sort his own clothes for when we go away and lays out ready for me to pack.  We both forget more and more so it's no use being tetchy with each other 

But yes, we all need to be valued.  Maybe your husband is valued at work, when he returns home he switches off? As for the food, that would have gone into the fridge for tomorrow and I would have insisted on him taking me out to eat or going for fish and chips!  I think it's lack of communication in the main, if he isn't nasty when he responds then it's a man issue  ........

Would he work better with a list of ideas?  Occasionally I wander round the hosue with DH and we discuss what needs doing now, what we can put off until the next Ice Age and what he is prepared to do either over Winter or in the Autumn.  We prefer to be out doing at this time of year. We then have a list on the magnetic board which we sometimes look at.  Some men are so used to their women/daughters doing that they are afraid to step in/ask in case it 'rocks the boat'  - so if the woman is waiting then resent me builds.

As for helping with your Mum then you know he isn't keen ....... so ask him what is important around the hosue/garden and what he would like to do in order to help?

Have a hug 

[CLKD]

"Down daughters to let dog out and ended up cleaning kitchen cos I'm soft  ....."

eeemmmm .......... perhaps allow DD to clean her own floor ?

[Greyhoundgal]

I do feel for you but agree that it's a "man thing".  Mine will gladly do whatever I ask him to but when I ask why he didn't put the bin out (or similar) I get "but you didn't ask me" - I get mad because I think, well surely you could see that it was full like I could but I think they operate in a totally different way to us

[CLKD]

But they would have to do these things if they lived alone:  wouldn't they 

[Rowan]

Not sure I agree with treating men as if they can't see what needs to be done, they can, but don't do it if they can get away with it.

I read this in an article "10 things that men don't want you to know about them" have been searching to see if I can find it.

Having said that my OH is very good, will cook, wash iron,  sort the bins and take them out, clean the bathroom without being asked, I only ask him to help me if its something I can't manage alone, we do seem to balance each other out, trouble is I sometimes think he has taken over my role from me, my sister says I should think myself lucky and she is probably right.

Lots of men live on there own and are very good housekeepers, my three brothers live alone and have spotless houses and are well organised, they all have girlfriends.

[Limpy]

CLKD -  So you think them living alone will make them notice the things that need doing.
WRONG WRONG WRONG.
They don't or just can't be bothered.

He will is asked - but won't do things otherwise.

[Joyce]

My hubby is quite good, not perfect, but quite good. He will cook stuff, so long as I give precise written instructions. He Hoovers, does own ironing, will sometimes empty bin.  But men don't always see things the same way we do. My son has become more domesticated since leaving home, but again he doesn't see everything.
Bathroom cleaning in my house is always my job.