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[Kathleen]

Hello ladies.
These posts just go to show how sensitive we are when young and how hurt and resentment can live with us for a very long time. I certainly remember plenty of criticism and no praise, I got the distinct impression that all adults disliked all children and would prefer that they weren't around. My daughter once asked me if we had stickers or star charts for good behaviour and I had to laugh. A good day was when you didn't get hit!
The good old days, huh!
Take care ladies.
K.
PS Ju Ju, I've sent you a PM.

[CLKD]

I have to hold onto the hurtful things Mum said otherwise I might begin to think that she has mellowed ......... at present her anger is aimed at a 'friend' of hers, known for 6 months; towards the Church; towards the PO in the next village who are changing owners ......

[honeybun]

Deliberately holding onto to things is really not a healthy thing to do for your mental health.
I try just to ignore and forget. The things that were said last week I have forgotten. There really is no point in going over and over things.

The big ones from years gone by are there but the constant complaints and niggling....I just let them go.

Honeyb
X

[Kathleen]

Hello CLKD.
Being so cheerful keeps her going then?  It takes energy to be so angry all the time, I don't know how she does it. Is she very old or is there still time for her to mellow do you think?
You have my sympathy though, my mother-in-law has similar tendencies and causes a lot of grief to my sister-in-law.
Take care.
K.

[dulciana]

When I was seven, my elderly, unmarried aunt was talking to my Mum.  I was also in the room.  They talked for a bit, then my aunt turned to me and said "We'd rather have your space than your company."  Ouch!  That hurt!
I've never forgotten that, although I forgive her for it now.

[CLKD]

Ouch!  why have you forgiven 

My Mum was 87 3 weeks ago and is of narcisstic tendancies .  Her anger keeps her going but I have to watch that it isn't aimed at me.  My sister 'got it' last week apparently  ...... for not phoning Mum when she was going to be later than planned.  So Mum didn't phone my sister then ............ preferring to stew and get angrier and angrier ........

[Ju Ju]

This is a safe place to rant and say things you can't to our nearest and dearest.

Honeybun is right that holding onto hurt, pain and anger is harmful to both your emotional and physical health. It is not about whether people deserve forgiveness; it is about being kind to yourself.

I am not particularly religious, but I consider Jesus one of the best life coaches ever. He is supposed to have said something like, "Forgive them, they know not what they do."  when on the cross. (Forgive me, those of you who know their Bible!) I think forgiving is about healing. It takes strength; it is not a sign of weakness. 

[CLKD]

Oh I let a lot of stuff 'go'.  But a few hurtful remarks remembered means that I don't get drawn into her narcissism and therefore lead me open to more hurt.  I don't want to get vocally 'slapped in the face' too often  !

I don't see my sister because she too can be 'cutting'.  Also she says things that are totally off the wall in order to impress or to make it seems that she knows more than anyone else, I'm her sister for goodness sake  ........ she doesn't need to impress me.  Nor tell lies to me.  Nor ......... so I choose not to be in contact unless it is necessary.

I do cultivate those around me who know me for who I am, not who they expect or want me to be 

[LilFeather]

For what it's worth - I really needed this thread right now.  Thank you!

Without regurgitating any details, I have to admit being around critical, negative people all my life has really left me in a quandary as to HOW one "lets it go" when you can honestly see bitterness and resentment has taken root in your own heart toward people because you just KNOW they are going to end up treating you disrespectfully and negatively in some way. 

I guess basically the question is....HOW do you rewire all the negativity out of your automatic responses? 

[Ju Ju]

CLKD, Good for you! We can't choose our relatives, but we can our friends. It is difficult and maybe inappropriate for many to walk away from abusive relatives, but limiting our contact helps.

My health problems have meant that my parents do not demand too much of me, plus I have a protective husband! Also living 3/4 hours away means that we can visit for a day and not have to stay. It is also means they can't just drop in. My husband always escapes when they come here.

LilFeather, rewiring is not easy, and maybe you never completely succeed. I now have 2 voices in my head ( no comments about hearing voices!!  ) One starts saying what a waste of space I am etc., the other says what a load of rubbish, p*** off! I'm ok. You can't stop negative thoughts coming into your mind, but you do have a choice  as to whether you believe what you are thinking. As I said earlier, I have sought help from a psychotherapist and a life coach, which has been very beneficial. But I am still a work in progress. Might not suit everyone though. As I have before, I can recommend books that have helped me.

[LilFeather]

Thanks, Ju Ju.

Makes it more difficult to "rewire" when you are waking up to all of this and discovering you seem to actually have sought out negative, critical people to surround yourself with.  Believe it is some sort of desire to "prove" the self-critical voice in my head correct.  Just what to do now without any sort of positive feedback.

[honeybun]

I do understand what you mean LilFeather.

We moved house from one we had been in for almost 20 years to a beautiful sea front Victorian flat. It was our dream home. Almost from the start we had terrible neighbour problems. I had always got on well with neighbours in my previous house. The trouble went on relentlessly and I was absolutely convinced it was my fault. For these people to dislike me intensely then it must have been. My health deteriorated and I was very unhappy. My hubby was tearing his hair out trying to tell me that I was the victim but I could just not grasp the fact.....until I was asked to a party back in my old street. I sat that night and chatted to old friends who I had lived next to for years. I had a lightbulb moment and realised finally it was not me.
The dream home went up for sale and we moved. I now get on fine with my neighbours.

It's all about how you choose to perceive yourself. You can either choose to believe you are not worthwhile or that others are just simply wrong.
It's taken me a long while to move on from this deeply unhappy period in my life but I do know that it was the problems of others and not me.

It's the same with family. You can't choose them but you can choose not to let them drain you. This is very much a work in progress for me but I am much better at not allowing others to speak to me in an unpleasant way. I am also better at just letting things go.
I know who I am and what I want and simply refused to be dragged down by others.

Honeyb
X

[CLKD]

A few years ago my sister was ranting at me down the 'phone - she had called me - and I had a light bulb moment and thought "I don't have to put up with this any more" - put down the 'phone and then didn't answer it when she rang.  A week later I had a letter 'hoping that your 'phone will soon be mended' ..........  ............ she was talking such rubbish and lies .......... now I try not to respond when she rings unless it is necessary, letting her warble away ............... 

It does take courage and practice to learn to say 'no' to demands made on us.  I found that the more often I said 'no' the easier it became.  Now I don't go to social events because of the anxiety, it is easier to say a simple 'thanks but no thanks'  ........... I know what I am good at and what I have achieved thus far 

[Ju Ju]

2 great posts HB and CLKD. You've got it! You are amazing and no one can change that! I already knew that, although I probably have never met you before.

[latefortysomething]

Hello lovely ladies,
Hope you are all well!  - ish?
This is such a welcome discussion, you tend to think it's just you, the lack of confidence thing, not being thick skinned, tired of apologising for other's rudeness, the list goes on.  I can identify with all of you.  I realise I am not alone.

I don't really have a family, I was never good enough, sad memories of the past come back and clip you round the ear, as if things were not bad enough.  I so long to go back 20 years and do things differently, but you can't, and it hurts so much, realising how much time you can waste not liking yourself, beating yourself up and over analysing things to the hilt.

Like most of you it's what I do. 

I started a new job and new manager arrived, who is trying to show me the door, ....i don't know, what do you have to do.  AT 51, life should surely be in it's prime, alas...

Quite sad at the moment, and wonder what next year holds.....like I suppose we all are, not just me.

On that note it was helpful to read your posts, and just want to wish you all well,hope Chrismas offers time to relax and recharge!
 

All the very best!
"Approaching 50 from the wrong direction"