This is a bitter yet progressive recent account in my life. Perhaps I should introduce myself first. My name is Annie and I am 51 yrs of age, in full blown menopause.
Last week I was advised by my spouse that we could no longer be in our marriage because I was out of control and was no longer myself. This is true, I have become an emotional basket-case and angry and in a darkness deep inside. There weird part is outside of menopause I am a very happy person full of vitality and my spirituality is full of life. Not in the last 2 years, however.
My spouse had tried several times in the last couple of years to talk to me about the changes that were being seen in me, those words pretty much fell on deaf ears. I became outraged with defense and felt like noone was understanding my position in life. I even resorted to wine, hoping that would mask what I was going through, just the opposite happened, I became WORSE!
When someone tells you they have cancer, all arms and love are there to support you, when someone tells you they are losing their quality of life because of menopause, the typical and normal response is.. oh you have mid life crisis, you're going to be batty for while without any support of loving arms to help ease the terrible times and which is usually followed up with a laugh in your face because you are in menopause as it's some universal joke that you missed out on. This is NO joke!!
I have entered a life of hell and anguish and I have not been able to see a light at the end of ANY tunnel for 2 years now. I am a cervical cancer survivor of 12 years now and that was easier to go through then what I am presently facing. Go figure!!
I was able to get on hormones after about a year of psychotic behavior until I received a call from my specialist stating I would have to get off the HRT's NOW because I was a high risk patient for reoccurring cancer. For those 2 months I was on HRT's, I was happy again, I had a life again, I saw me again. Shortly after I "listened" to my Doctor and removed myself from the HRT's, I was back to being batsh*t crazy, and it's been like that ever since.
Last week was a HUGE eye opener for me with one of the biggest jolts in my life hearing my spouse tell me that we could no longer go on like this and our relationship was done. I resorted to begging, losing all my dignity that I ever had developed in life, begging that I get ONE more chance to make myself right and ok. That also fell on deaf ears, not because of a lack of trying on my spouses part, because I have turned my spouse into a crazy person because of me and my emotional trauma with menopause.
Perhaps there is a little light at the beginning/end of this story....I will explain.... As I mentioned earlier, I have always been a very spiritual person, seeing the good in everyone, being a magical person in life, seeing life with plenty of vitality, losing this to emotional downfalls due to menopause has really created a dark place in my life. The "jolt" I received from my spouse was JUST enough to open my eyes a bit bigger than what they have been for a couple of years to do something about this.
I called a therapist right away before I allowed my emotional breakdown from the news of I was no longer in my relationship with my spouse which honestly broke my heart MORE than I could ever find words to describe. I knew that if I did not go speak to someone immediately I was going to find myself in a worse situation possibly including suicide. All I could think of was there is no more to live for, I love my spouse deeply and to be honest, I cannot see me living without my spouse. What would be the point!
I did go talk to a therapist and cried until I thought I was going to die, which in my mind would have been a better thing to have happen than what I was facing. In a single instance while talking to my therapist I decided that I was so much bigger then this.. I am a survivor, I would fight the fight!! I got home and that whole entire evening I read story after story of women who have encountered the same situation due to menopause. I was appalled to read all these stories of beautiful marriages and relationships going to waste because of menopause and the lack of proper medical attention that should be applied to help us. I got angry, and the more I got angry the more I wanted to "GET EVEN" with menopause.
It's been less than a week since I got the news of my relationship being over and I have made several strides for myself. This is NOT easy, this IS scary!! I have the handle of a shield in my hand going to battle working towards creating a whole shield and then perhaps even a sword. Right now, today, the handle is going to have to work. I just want to take a quick moment out of my story to say to you all who may read this, if you EVER want to get back at menopause for creating havoc in your life, read these gross emotional stories of women who have lost great loves in their lives, as well as friendships because of the emotional changes due to menopause... it IS real!!
I learned that some people are not affected from menopause as some other women are, some go through it with a hot flash here and there, and sometimes perhaps a little disruption in their day. Some of us go on full tilt and lose everything we have ever known to be okay within ourselves. If you don't think that happens, read, read, read all the stories out there on the net.
After I was able to find that "proper" anger inside of me... I took action!!!!!! I started looking for a community that I could relate to ( forums such as this site) I started looking for information about menopause with previous cancer patients, I started a research that would make researches on a daily basis jealous. I complied information that we have not been told ALL the truth about hormone replacements in the medical society and that we have had to go through these stages unnecessarily so. ( insert more anger here)!!
This brings me up to date, as of today...In my preparedness to go into battle, I knew I would have to do more than just have some knowledge about menopause. I would have to work on other areas of myself too... First being my spiritual side.. I had to get myself back on that path again no matter what!
I started to search for a spiritual center in my area ( rural area that is lacking in resources that a larger city would have) and find a place I could identify with others and build off of them for awhile until I was able to give back. Right now, it's about ME! Later I will be able to give back in ways perhaps I was not even able to give before menopause came about in my life.
Yesterday, I went to the spiritual center, so, it wasn't what I had expected.. so much for expectations, but I was not willing to lay down the handle of my shield yet. I still have a strong grip on this handle and will use it. I knew of a lady I had met a few years ago that was informed of spiritual centers and or other people around the area that would be able to direct me to my next phase. It was a stretch to seek her out, but I had to try. I went to the Sunday farmers market thinking I might run into her there. Again, it was a stretch, however, my mission was much greater than being defeated in my battle. I am happy to announce I DID find her and was able to get directed where to go next. I was beaming inside, I had made a HUGE stride and conquered that moment over menopause.
On the way out from leaving the Sunday Farmers Market, I saw a group of beautiful sunflowers just smiling at me as though they were saying, you did it girl, you made it! I walked over to them to smell them and touch them, I had a need. I asked the lady how much are they, she said.. 10.00 dollars. I had EXACTLY a 10.00 dollar bill on me and I bought those lovely little bundles of joy. As I was walking back to my car, this lady out of nowhere looked at me and said.. you deserve those today. I stopped, looked at her and smiled and replied with, " you are so right, I DO deserve these today"! I felt joy in my heart once again, I remembered that old friend joyful heart and it felt good to feel it once more!!
I do wish to add, I have also made an appointment with a woman Naturopath to help me find a way to regulate my hormones. I am checking into bioindentical hormones, I have been reading up on them for 2 days straight now, and from I am reading, pro's and con's I am not seeing where I could not take these. I am also now walking everyday, taking vitamins and B12 to help me until I can do something different. I only know what to do at the moment until I know differently.
This is my story to date, it's long, it's hard, it's scary as heck..I still have moments of emotional distraught, however, I refuse mentally and emotionally to allow menopause to rule my life any longer. I do wish to say and I hope this does not fall on deaf ears.. More than anything, my marriage, my friendships, my family, I HAVE TO DO THIS FOR ME FIRST, EVERYTHING ELSE IS SECONDARY!!!!
Please feel free to share your comments with me, I would be thrilled to have people who know and understand what I have and presently going through discuss it all with me.
In love of other women out there,
Annie
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Topic: Loss of my marriage due to Menopause (Read 39382 times)