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[fiorinda]

A little background, otherwise this won't make any sense:

In 2010 I left my husband after 21 years with him. I'd wanted to leave him for a long time but also wanted to wait till my kids were grown. When I left my daughter was 23 and our son was 18. I moved out of the family home into a small rented flat and left my husband and son, who was at college, in the house we'd shared as a family. My husband and I agreed we wouldn't sell the house till our son was settled at Uni. I have always felt like I abandoned my son, even though he said he totally understood why I was doing what I was doing, he knew I hadn't been happy with his Dad for a long time and he would support me whatever. I couldn't afford to keep the house on myself (or to rent a big enough place for him to live with me, and he was off to Uni the following year anyway), and I felt that if I made my husband pay the mortgage as well as rent himself another place, everyone would be hard up, not just me. I never had a penny in maintenance from him. We're now divorced, he is remarried, I'm engaged, and the house is almost sold. He hasn't lived in the house for probably around 2 years, he lives in his new wife's house, and our son, when not at Uni, mostly stays at his girlfriend's. His girlfriend, who is lovely, comes from quite a wealthy family. Her parents are divorced too, and her Dad is also remarried. Her Mum and I have become quite good friends in the last year though as she's a very busy lady we haven't spent an awful lot of time together.

Anyway, to the point now. My son's girlfriend's Mum owns a large holiday home in France, my son has been there many times. He's always telling me how much I would love it, about the gorgeous produce market in the nearby town and the beautiful countryside. I've been waiting for her to invite my fiance and I to visit there. My son and his girlfrind are on their way there for 10 days at the moment, her Mum is already there. Today my daughter told me that she thought my ex-husband and his wife are going there too. I texted my son to ask him, and he said his Dad and his wife are holidaying in Bordeaux and spending, he thinks, 3 nights at his gf's Mum's house.

I was so upset by this! I know my ex-husband and his wife have been invited to our son's gf's Dad's for dinner and for his birthday. Now her Mum has invited them to her holiday home. I thought we were friends, but I haven't been invited. It's not the holiday home itself that bothers me, it's the feeling that I'm so unimportant that no-one has thought to invite me to anything! It's brought back all the feelings of guilt I felt when I first left my husband, that I was a bad mother for leaving my son, that carrying him and giving birth to him and nursing him and caring for him for his whole childhood mean nothing, and the only parent who matters is the one who pays his University bills. It's totally floored me.

Am I just being really stupid about this? I know it's probably not as simple as that. Maybe they asked if they could go. Maybe it's a huge coincidence that they are holidaying in the same area at the same time and she felt obliged to invite them. Maybe no-one has even realised that I'd like to be invited to these things. Maybe I just need to pull myself together and stop being such an emotional idiot about this? I don't know how to find out more about the circumstances without sounding petulant and bitter!!

What do you think?

[honeybun]

Difficult one.

Have you introduced your fiance to the extended family. I know you have said he is much younger than you. Could this be the reason as he is very close in age to your children. Perhaps they are not comfortable.

On the other hand as you say it may just be a coincidence that your ex and his wife are in the area and the host was put in an awkward position.

You are probably reading too much into what is probably an innocent situation.
Meno can cause us to feel a bit sensitive and over emotional so it's understandable that you feel this way.

Honeyb
X

[Joyce]

Oh that's a hard one. Easier to say than maybe do, but don't make too much of a thing about it. Bide your time, you never know you may get an invite soon enough. 

[bramble]

Unless you are all a very close-knit friendly bunch, I would never expect my son's girlfriend's parents to invite me to their holiday home. In my world, parents only normally get involved with each other if there is a wedding on the horizon. .................or perhaps just me?

Bramble

[Taz2]

I agree with Honeybun that unless your son's girlfriend's family have met your fiance (and you haven't said whether they have) then it is quite a big thing to invite you both to their holiday place. Maybe they have already met your ex husband's new wife?

I think you just have to let this go. It is nothing to do, I am sure, with who left who so concentrate on your new relationship and forthcoming wedding.

Taz

[fiorinda]

My son's gf's Mum has met my fiance several times, she's been for lunch at our flat. They get on well. My son is fine with my fiance, despite him being so much younger than me. My son insisted his gf's Mum and I meet as we have so much in common and he knew we would become friends. I agree it's not a usual situation, but like I said, the gf's Dad invited my ex-husband and his new wife to dinner, and also to celebrate his birthday.

I'm sure it's all perfectly innocent. And yes, I am particularly hormonal and emotional at the moment so it couldn't have come at a worse time!! I'm feeling a bit less upset now, but I had a proper cry about it earlier. I knew you lot would talk sense!! My fiance is just miffed cos he wants to go stay at the lovely house with the pool in France!! 

[English Rose]

Hi fiorinda
Leaving your husband after all that time must have taken a lot of courage.

I guess you cannot blame your son for taking advantage of the situation with his gf's parents holiday home. I think young adult "kids" often take their parents for granted, as they have not been in our position and don't know what it's like to parent/make sacrifices and worry about them.

As honeybun already said.........maybe it's only that your ex husband and wife is in France and in that area anyway that they have ended up being "invited".

I would really try and avoid letting on to your son and/or your ex hub that you are irritated or upset about the situation...difficult though that may be. Stay friendly with son's gf's mum and maybe invite her to dinner at yours sometime (if you haven't already)??   Also, with regard to your guilt feelings returning, well if you think about it, it is just pure co-incidence that your son has met this girl and is in this position, nothing to do with your leaving, so try and detach the two situations as they are not linked in any way... (isn't life complex?)

Families.....difficult at times!  PS A few others have replied now with wise words, but what the heck, I'll still post this anyway!

Best wishes, ER x

[fiorinda]

Thanks ER - yes, it did take a lot of courage (and to be honest, staying till both kids were over 18 was a way of putting it off from fear, but in the end I couldn't stand it any more!!) but I never regretted it in the slightest - no matter how guilty I felt (and I know the guilt was unfounded - doesn't make it go away though!).

I've struggled with myself all day not to say anything negative to my son. I just texted back with 'that's nice', which could be taken either way, and which he chose to take at face value and replied with 'yes, I'm sure we'll have a nice time'. I really don't want to burden him with my feelings about this.

I try to meet up with his gf's Mum regularly anyway just because she is lovely and I always enjoy our chats. So when she's back from France later this month I'll try to see her again. Maybe we will get an invite sometime. x

[Pennyfarthing]

I think you will get your invite in time.
Sounds to me like ex-hubby was in area and they couldn't not ask him.

I also wonder whether they haven't asked you (yet) in case you can't afford it.  Maybe son has said things are tight for you in your little flat etc.

[CLKD]

I think guilt is at the basis of this.  DH tells me that women do guilt really well  - certainly after my dog was PTS due to the issues surrounding those last few days, the guilt haunts me still 

I think it strange that the ex is invited.  End of.  Invited for meals perhaps but a sleep over?  After all, your ex isn't related - yet and even then it will be by marriage only 

I would feel miffed too.  The thought of that pool .........  .......... I've been in a similar situation and it annoyed me for years, sort of over it now  ...........

[lily]

Isn't life complicated!  Sounds to me as if her dad wants to be friendly with your sons dad because his ex-wife is friendly with you and now his ex-wife is trying to be friendly with everyone or probably felt she had to ask them as they were going to be in France at the same time?  Also if her mum is on her own now, she maybe wants to make sure she doesn't get left out of all the new friendships and she might realise afterwards that you could be feeling left out, but you couldn't all be there together.  I'm sure your invite will come the next time.  At least your son and his girl will feel like they have a big, happy extended family who all get on well and if there is a wedding in the future there shouldn't be any awkwardness between anyone.  Try to be happy for your son that there is no bitterness involved.

[Elena]

Lots of sensible answers here, particularly PF who points out that maybe as your ex was in the area they felt obliged to invite them along.

I would feel just the same as you and I have also been in a similar situation to yours in that I left once my youngest was adult.  It does make me feel bad at times

Best thing to do: keep busy, do things that you enjoy, be kind to yourself, get out and about with friends and yes, when the mum returns have a get-together with her.  Maybe the topic will arise during conversation and you will find out there is a perfectly simple explanation.  Try not to beat yourself up about it meanwhile.  So easy to say I know 

[Rowan]

I would concentrate on your life with your new younger partner, you have lots to look forward too.

You say you are engaged and the house is almost sold.

Leave them to get on with their lives, its wasted energy fretting about not being invited the France and the whys and where fore's.

Have a quiet word with your son next time you are alone with him and sound things out.

 

[fiorinda]

Just to update on this, I had a coffee this week with my son's GF's mum, and she was at pains to tell me how it had happened. Turns out my ex-husband had actually gone round to her house and ASKED her if he and his new wife could go stay at her French house for a few days. She told him that she was planning a FAMILY holiday, and he had asked if that meant she didn't have room for the 2 of them. When she said that wasn't what she meant, he said they'd just come along and do their own thing then!! She said she wasn't the kind of person who could then just say 'I don't want you to come', so she was stuck with them. I was pretty aghast that anyone would be so brazen! But then, that's part of why he's my EX-husband now!!

So I felt much better knowing she hadn't actually invited them, or in fact even wanted them there!!

[Limpy]

Florinda you are WELL rid.

Hope your son's GF's mum is better prepared the next time he tries to brazen his way in, and says NO, we don't want you here.

Glad you feel better