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[Taz2]

It's important that you don't take these "slights" personally. It is just the way the person is wired and although it can be incredibly hurtful to have someone who should be there for you being more concerned about how the situation will affect them it is just the way they are made. That sounds a bit simplistic but they are not able to do things any differently - well - that's my understanding anyway.

Taz x

[honeybun]

Not so easy to do though.

I don't remember her being like this when I was young but perhaps I just did not notice.

The really sad thing for me is that when she has (she is 91) passed away I am really afraid I will just remember how she was in her declining years. I am also afraid that I will get to be that way.


Honeyb
X

[Taz2]

If you don't remember her being like this then it is probably more age-related than anything else Honeybun. She would have acted in a self-obsessed way for the whole of your life. I think I have said before that a lot of what is posted about elderly parents seems to be to do with ageing and becoming more dependent on others rather than personality disordeers. We hate being dependent at any age and I noticed with my own parents that as they began to feel they were losing control on their lives - not being able to drive as far as they wanted, needing help with household and garden chores they had always done themselves for instance - then they became more petulant and demanding and very stubborn. Also, as my mum got into her mid-eighties she found it difficult to see that I did have another life and other family members who still needed me.

Maybe your mum is not a narcissist in the true sense of the word but is now showing those traits because of changes due to old age? I don't know if you read this part from the article I posted before?

"
Older narcissistic mothers often use the natural limitations of aging to manipulate dramas, often by neglecting their health or by doing things they know will make them ill. Sometimes they will do this by addictions to alcohol or drugs or other obsessions. This gives them the opportunity to cash in on the investment they made when they trained you to wait on them as a child. Then they call you (or better still, get the neighbor or the nursing home administrator to call you) demanding your immediate attendance. You are to rush to her side, pat her hand, weep over her pain and listen sympathetically to her unending complaints about how hard and awful it is. (“Never get old!”) It's almost never the case that you can actually do anything useful, and the causes of her disability may have been completely avoidable, but you've been put in an extremely difficult position. If you don't provide the audience and attention she's manipulating to get, you look extremely bad to everyone else and may even have legal culpability. (Narcissistic behaviors commonly accompany Alzheimer's disease, so this behavior may also occur in perfectly normal mothers as they age. But, in narcissistic mothers, it is a given.)"

Taz x

[meno lesley]

Unfortunately my mum has been like it all her life. We didn't see both sides of our family as she had fallen out with them all. Friends she has made only last a little while and then we are told an odd story of why she won't be seeing them again. It's never been her fault and everyone is put in a box as evil. After never having seen my grandparents I made contact with my only living grandmother, boy was I in trouble when she found out.

However if I introduce my mum to a friend she comes across as being lovely which is then hard to explain our situation.

Lesley x

[honeybun]

I agree, a lot of it is to do with the aging process but my mother has always been difficult.
I have watched for years her attempts to manipulate her family. She was very controlling when I was younger.

I was told the other day that I used to be such a placid girl and yes I was. She now can't be sure I will do everything she wants and therein lies the problem.
I just got fed up with being told and not asked and so began to say no to somethings.

It does not go down well and as my sister is inclined to try and boss me too it has become a bit of an issue. I no longer say how high when they say jump.
I know they all blame the changes in me on meno but I just had had enough.

Honeyb
X

[Taz2]

I don't blame you for standing your ground Honeybun.  I just thought that by saying you didn't notice it when you/she was younger meant that she was not controlling and difficult in the past.

When I was looking after my mum and dad I managed to cut my work down to one day a week and that one day saved my sanity because for those few hours I was "me" and not someone's mum or daughter. You can easily be dragged down and lose yourself so you do need to stand firm and try to only do the hours you are paid for - it's almost like you need a contract written down - which you would have if you were not her daughter but an outside carer.

Taz x

[CLKD]

My Mum was always that way inclined although as a child, one doesn't notice.  It becomes normal.  It was only after Dad died and she took up with another man that I could see the bad habits returning.  For 17 months after he died we had an almost 'normal' Mum, because she relied on us to 'do' for her - sort money, take her places, get the house maintained  - then this other man arrived on the scene and it all began again. <sigh>.