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[racjen]

They tell me probably a month before I get a referral to the Depression and Anxiety service - to be honest I'm not holding my breath as I know their default treatment is CBT and I don't feel that will help with hormonal anxiety. The Valium does take the edge off - I take 10mg 1st thing in the morning and another 5mg at lunchtime, and it certainly makes it bearable, takes 20 mins or so to work.

I don't keep a food/mood diary, mainly because I have suffered from an eating disorder in the past and the last thing I need is to start getting obsessed with food again. I have been GF for 20 years due to major intolerance since pregnancy, I try to eat very healthy since cancer and I do take a whole range of supplements, but I'm not going to start listing everything I eat again - not a good strategy for me. What helps me most is drawing - I'm a professional artist, and drawing takes my mind somewhere where the mood recedes into the background.

[Bring me Sunshine]

What a wonderful gift to be able to draw.  I am hopeless but good at colouring in.

Keep drawing and take one day at a time, that old cliche, just think of yourself and this all will be a bad dream one day.  You can have a showing of all your drawings before and after it all, charting your journey.

Everything will turn out fine I cant say when but it will.  Dont give up.

Nearly every day last year I cried absolutely convinced there were no meds to help me the drs had even put "treatment resistant" on my reports, it was crushing.  I couldnt see a way out of it all or a future with me in it.

Fast forward a year and I am looking around for hotels when I go up to do the Great North Run later this year.  Unheard of for me last year I could barely get out of bed/out of the house.

Sometimes it just takes longer to get the solution.

You may be doing the great north run with me next year!!  Or does the thought of that make you feel worse!!!!

Lots of Love & a big warm bear hug xxxxx

[Woodlands]

Hello there.
Yes, I have felt suicidal, just the once. I had a MH melt down at the start of peri...not realising it was peri....GP Gabe me Prozac, took two doses and headed out of the house early one morning- sat on the river bank for 3.5 hours, threw my moby in the river, got cold and very wet.....vision of my kids stopped me ending it. No husband came to find me...in fact he went to work! ...I walked back home rang a friend who took me to the doc....started citralopam and never looked back.
Dark days, now divorced, happier and whole, yes I take AD,'s but that's fine ...if you know my posts I also lost my eldest to suicide 3 years ago....it's five since my melt down..
One day at a time, mindfullness and hope...
Woodlands xx

[Bring me Sunshine]

Woodlands

Just before i turn in I just read your post.  What a wonderful person you sound so brave and kind to take the time to offer support when you have lost so much.  You are a survivor.  No one should ever lose a child it is the greatest loss of all.  My friend lives with that daily as her son too took his life, so sad when all they want to do is stop the pain and think they not being there would be best for everyone else.  Poorly mental health can be so misunderstood.

I am pleased that you say you are whole and happier that must have taken a long time to get to.  There is still so much to live for and life still has much in store, you live your life to the full for you and those you have loved.

I love the word hope.... Hold One Pain Ends

Take care of you xxxx

[CLKD]

Good strategy racjen - as a recovering anorexic who for years avoided the kitchen I can at least look at food and wash up at the sink.   

Great North Run - nope!  I'll hold the warm towel at the end ;-)

>wave< Woodlands

Off for lunch ......... apparently my body is hungry!

[l1zzi313]

Hi There,
I would ask for a second opinion with your doctors, I had a breakdown a few years ago, I sat in the doctor's office and told them I wanted to end it all, I got help that day. Menopause effects drive me to tears sometimes and I am just in the early stages. I also have to deal with the constant wail in my ear from tinnitus. So I get it.. my husband doesn't get it, sometimes hearing from people who do identify with your pain can help. I have suffered from depression for years, had counselling,  been on antidepressants which made symptoms worse. You are a brave lady for sharing, go and get a second opinion, your doctors should be ashamed! I have dealt with doctors who had no idea what to do and other's who were sympathetic, the crisis team is a good option. Having been so low that thinking suicide is the only option I can tell you there is a tunnel and a light.

[CLKD]

    l1zzi313

[Dandelion]

Hi lovely ladies.  This post is not for sympathy or attention.....I am desperate to talk about this but not sure where I can do it safely.  I cannot speak to my husband as he gets very angry and im afraid to speak to a doctor in case I get sectioned.  However, feeling at an all time low and desperate for some relief I am finding myself dwelling on this subject quite a lot now.  I find I no longer fear the thought of death. It brings me comfort....one of the only things that does now.  However I do of course fear the process of dying as I have severe anxiety health anxiety and emetophobia.  Of course I havent made any efforts to make thgis a reality because I dont want to bring pain to my family but it is my kind of get out clause.  I tell myself....if i cannot bear it any more there is always THAT option.  My physical symptoms are unbearable now and my zest for life no longer exists.  I wonder how much longer I can stay in this horror movie.  I know suicide is a taboo subject but where can someone go to explore these thoughts in a non judgemental environment.  Please dont suggest my doctor as I get literally no help at all from them.  Maybe a vicar or priest?  I called samaritans once but that was completely hopeless.....Im not looking for someone to try and talk me down, I just want to get all these thoughts out and air them.  To me they are very logical but im sure will be judged as being that of someone suffering from depression.....well yes of course.....but I cannot get any relief from the anxiety and depression. I really just want to sleep.  The thought of never waking up is very appealing right now.  Thanks for reading, I hope this is ok to post here.  Feeling very alone right now. xx

Sorry to hear you are feeling very alone right now. Also that hubby gets angry, patience wasn't shared equally among humans.
You won't get sectioned I promise, take it from someone with experience of psychiatric seervices, they don't have the resources to section anyone unless they are in serious crisis and I mean serious, without dismissing your current state.
I can empathise with your feelings of wanting to sleep and not wake up, and the only thing that keeps me from commmitting suicide is reincarnation and karma, even though I am not religious. For the vast majority of the existence of this planet, all those aeons, 99.9+ percent of cultures believed in reincarnation and rebirth.
The meaning of life is to learn and love, and the lessons we dont learn in this life, we get to have another go in the next incarnation. Suicide is frowned on. I am NOT religious, but reincarnatoin makes sense to me and i cannot shake the belief off that we reincarnate.
Suicide scares me in case the next life is magnified problems even more, which is why I am still here.
Are you on hrt? Not every woman wants it anad that's thier choice, I wish I hadnt gone on it as I am addicted to valium and prog/valium are cross tolerant which means i have to stay on prog for life, as its micronized and i cannot taper it.
Can't take pills cos IBS stopped me absorbing them.